DAY 126-HOW LUCKY ARE YOU?

Day 126

Some people seem to have it all: the perfect love life, the perfect career, the perfect social life, the perfect financial situation, and all that without working particularly hard.  They always look happy and full of energy.  Others seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  Everything always seems to go wrong in their life.  They look unhappy and are often depressed.

We mostly attribute this phenomenon to the fact that some people are born under a good star, while others are not.  By saying such a thing, we decide that luck comes from an external force and that it is, in fact, something we have no control over.

Richard Wiseman, a professor at Britain's University of Hertfordshire, got interested in the concept of luck and decided to conduct a study that lasted 10 years with a group of 400 exceptionally lucky and unlucky people from all walks of life.  In a book called Luck Factor: The Scientific Study of the Lucky Mind, Wiseman shares his findings. 

In one experiment, all the participants bought a lottery ticket.  As he had expected, lucky and unlucky people lost in equal percentages, because lotteries are based on random chance.  However, in another study he conducted, Wiseman asked his participants to count the photographs in a sample newspaper. Far more self-proclaimed lucky people noticed on page 2, written in big letters and disguised as an advertisement, the words STOP COUNTING: THERE ARE 43 PHOTOGRAPHS IN THIS NEWSPAPER.

After conducting several experiments, Dr. Wiseman concluded that lucky people simply possessed four basic psychological traits, which unlucky people didn’t seem to have:

They had the ability to maximize chance opportunities.

They listened to their “gut feelings”.

They expected good fortune.

They saw the bright side of bad luck.

Wiseman believes that luck is not some kind of outside force.  It is largely created by a psychological disposition and character traits.  He found that lucky people were usually extraverted, sociable, optimist, open-minded and didn’t suffer from anxiety.  

I’ve noticed in my life, that when I am in a good mental state, good things happen to me.  The opposite is also true: when I’m not feeling so great, my day seems to continuously be going wrong. 

If Wiseman is right though, working on leading a happier life, being more optimistic, sociable, open-minded and less anxious could increase your luck.  Destiny might not be all written after all.  And, a self-proclaimed unlucky person, with the knowledge of that study, might now have some tools to turn things around.


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DAY 125 - AN AFTERNOON OF ART

Day 125

Every once in a while, I buy a couple of canvases for my children and I, and we organize an afternoon of painting.   I have always loved to draw and paint.  I remember, as a young adult, organizing painting evenings with my friends.  Because I enjoy it so much, doing it with my children has never required much effort, to the contrary.

My latest creation

I have always wanted to take lessons, but I never have.  Obviously, because of a lack of time, I don't think I will be able to take some for a while.  I don’t believe I have a special talent.   I just enjoy filling up a blank canvas with colors that bring me joy.  I’m sure, though, that if I mastered the technical aspects of drawing and painting, it would add to my pleasure. 

Today, as my youngest daughter was feeling a little under the weather, I thought it would be the perfect day to take out the canvases and start creating.  And so we did. 

The final product is never as important to me as the process.  When I start applying paint on my paintbrush, something magical happens.  I get into some kind of trans, forgetting everything around me, focusing only on my creation.

I sometimes start, not knowing where I am going and then, through the process itself, an idea emerges.  And when I see my idea turn into a visual reality, I get a deep sense of satisfaction.  When it doesn’t, I try something else.

I always finish long after my children have gone and washed up.  I’m not always happy with the result.  And so not many of my paintings find their way to my apartment walls.  But I always enjoy the meditative state I get into whenever I paint.  And that is especially true when it happens on a cold Sunday afternoon. 

DAY 124 - VICTOR FRANKL AND FINDING A PURPOSE TO YOUR LIFE

Day 124

Victor Frankl was a Jewish-born Austrian psychologist and psychiatrist who lived from 1905 to 1997.  After graduating from Medical School, he met Freud and Adler, two prominent psychiatrists of his time.  He quickly dissociated himself from their theories and developed his own approach to psychotherapy, an existential based approach called logotherapy. 

Victor Frankl was a survivor of the holocaust.  That experience alone, provided him with an hands-on perspective in regards to suffering that would lead the way to his philosophy of life. 

While in the concentration camps, Frankl describes how he found the will to survive in a book called A Man’s Search For Meaning. His reason to live was the image of his wife.

Victor Frankl

“But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look then was more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.”

In fact, while he was in concentration camps,  Frankl noticed that among those given a chance for survival, it was those who held on to a vision of the future, whether it was a significant task before them, or a return to their loved ones, that were most likely to survive their suffering.

Based on his personal experience, Frankl developed logotherapy which aims at helping people suffering a depression find a meaning to their life. According to logotherapy, there are three ways you can discover meaning in life:

1. By creating a deed;

2. By experiencing value;

3. By the attitude you take toward unavoidable suffering.

For Frankl, happiness is really an existential question. If you find your purpose in life, you will know why you are alive. You will have a reason to wake up in the morning and you will know why you do what you do. Knowing your purpose in life can give you the motivation and strength to cope with daily challenges and accomplish your goals.  We all have a purpose, finding it can help us lead a more fulfilling life.   

“ Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.”

DAY 123 - SATURDAY MORNING DELIGHT

Day 123

When we had our first child, my brother’s present to us was an espresso machine.  Everyone was offering me cute little outfits for my newborn, or nice cozy blankets and other accessories.  My brother came over with a huge coffee machine, indirectly hinting to us that this was what we would really need.

He was right.  The mornings came too fast and the nights were very short, so his present came as a lifesaving device, especially on those mornings when I couldn’t get my eyes open.

For many years, I tried to quit drinking coffee.  That is before, of course, the medical world started studying the health benefits linked to a moderate consumption of coffee: anti-oxidant content, protection from type 2 diabetes, colon cancer prevention, anti-depressant, benefits for the heart and liver, etc.

Like anything in excess, coffee in high quantities can have a negative impact on health.  In moderation (one to two cups a day), it is perfectly healthy!

Thank god I don’t need to stop!  I love my morning coffee.  Unfortunately, because I am such in a hurry in the morning, I rarely get to savor it.   By the time I sit down to drink it, it’s often cold and needs to be reheated or simply thrown out. On Saturday mornings, though, things are completely different...

As soon as I open my eyes, I start getting excited about my morning coffee before I even get out of bed.  And when I open the jar of coffee beans to pour them into the machine, I get a delightful whiff of an aroma that instantly boosts my mood.  And as I willingly take on the role of a barista and I dynamically grind the beans, my level of enthusiasm increases even more. 

The true moment of happiness, though, happens when I take my cup of coffee with both my hands, feeling the warmth of it on the tip of my fingers and I slowly bring it to my awaiting lips, enjoying the aroma as I take the first sip.   And then, as the warmth travels through my body, I close my eyes, making sure all the flavors of the coffee reach my taste buds. 


That Saturday morning coffee, no matter the problems or worries I may have, is definitely a pure moment of bliss.

DAY 122 - PLANNING A TRIP

DAY 122

For two years now, my brothers, my parents and I have been putting money aside to go on vacation together.  We are a total of 18 people, so finding the right vacation for such a big group could be very challenging.  Last September, we decided that this upcoming summer would be the right time to go.  We chose the south of Spain as a destination.

Since we have decided to go, I have been trying to find the perfect spot.  I love surfing the net to look for a trip.  And, with google map, it is possible to virtually walk near potential hotels and get a feel of the area.  You can also take a stroll in the surrounding villages.   Many people rather deal with a travel agent.  I find that part of the fun of going on a trip is the planning.

Sometimes when I begin browsing on the net, I have to consciously put an end to my search.  You can spend hours in front of the computer going around in circles, enjoying the ride, but, nevertheless, wasting a great amount of time.

This week, after months of looking, we finally booked our trip to the south of Spain.  We have months ahead of us to imagine how wonderful the experience is going to be.  There is a great danger in that.  The greater the expectations, the more likely your are of being disappointed.  So, I believe, the trick is probably to try and enjoy this period of anticipation as much as the trip itself. 

In the end, there is far more time left for us to think, imagine and virtually explore the south of Spain than the two weeks the trip will last!  So, I’m back on the net, visiting the Malaga region, studying the culture, discovering the history of the south of Spain.  My trip has already begun and I am enjoying it tremendously already. 

DAY 121 - THE MAGIC OF READING

DAY 121

I love going to the bookstore.  I could literally spend hours there, browsing, reading summaries and selecting the perfect book.  I love the smell of new books, a combination of glue, paper and fresh ink.  I am apparently not the only one who loves it.  Someone is selling fresh book scent in a bottle.  I really laughed when I saw the ad. (http://smellofbooks.com/aromas/new-book-smell/).

When I arrive home with my new purchase, I always have an overwhelming feeling of excitement.  Most of the times, I have to wait for my house to be asleep before I can begin.  At that point, I put on my pajamas, crawl into my comfortable bed, turn on my night table lamp, rest my head on my fluffy down-filled pillow and begin my journey.

Sometimes, it will take a couple of pages for it to happen, sometimes it won’t happen at all, but often, soon after starting, some kind of magic operates and I am transported into the world created by the author with the enthusiasm of a child upon receiving a long-awaited present.

Sometimes, the feeling of bewitchment is so strong that I cannot stop reading.  I peak at the time, calculating how many hours of sleep I have left and tell myself: “Only a few more pages and I’ll put it down”.  I often repeat that same sentence over and over again until I finally decide to put an end to my joyful voyage.  To alleviate the sadness created by the interruption of this strong happy moment, I tell myself that I only have a day to wait before I can relive the magic.

The real despair happens when I end the novel.  And, I know the stronger the enchantment was, the harder the fall will be.  I always feel a void when I finish a novel I loved.  I have learned, though, that the best way to lessen the post-novel pain is to have another good novel lined up for me to read.  And when I do, although it could take me a couple of pages, I eventually get enthusiastic once again about starting yet another journey.

DAY 120 - LET’S GET SCIENTIFIC: THE NEUROPLASTICITY OF THE BRAIN

Day 120

For decades, scientists thought that the brain was unchangeable.  And that, if anything, your brain shrunk because neurons died.  Now, we know that, in fact, the connections between neurons can be altered and that through experiences, at any given time in our life, neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to create these new neural connections, can potentially take place. 

  

This discovery could have a major impact on happiness.  In a previous post, I talked about being born happy.  If it is possible to change the wiring of our brain through the repetition of “happy experiences”, it means that the set point for our individual happiness can be increased.

One of the researchers who has been working on the answers to these questions is Richard Davidson, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin, Madison: 

"It used to be — not that long ago, in fact — that science was sure that our brains were hard-wired, that our happiness had a set point, that our brains could not regenerate. Now we know that our brains can regenerate, and that they're "plastic," able to create new neural connections not just when we're young, but as we age. We were all taught that the brain is different from other organs in the way it changes over time. We thought the process was one of irrevocable death. We now know that view is definitively wrong. The brain is capable of generating 7,000 to 9,000 cells a day."

Davidson studied the biological effects of what happens in the brains of Tibetan monks, who have practiced meditation techniques for over 10, 000 hours.  He found that the practice of meditation, and especially meditation focusing on love and compassion, stimulated and developed the part of the brain related to happiness.

Neuroplasticity tells us that we have the power to transform our state of mind through the repetition of experiences, such as meditation, that stimulate brain connectors related to the feelings of inner peace and happiness.   

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DAY 119 - SOCIAL NETWORKING

Day 119

Social networks have really grown in popularity in the last couple of years. Although Facebook, for instance, began with university students, 10 year-old children as well as 80 year-old grandmas are now using it.  With this increase in popularity, various studies are coming out to analyze the impact social networking has on our society.

Many of these studies have found that there are several negative aspects to it, such as the lost of privacy, the false impression of sociability, the usage of it by sexual predators and the incredible amount of valuable time wasted.

Although, all these critics are right to some extent, I also think that there exist many positive aspects to social networking.  It all depends on how you decide to use it.

A report, entitled "The Information Dividend: Why IT makes you happier", published by the British Computer Society claims that the use of Internet connectivity has a positive impact on life satisfaction. In fact, according to this report, social networking has a direct impact on happiness.

Professionally, it could become a wonderful tool to publicize whatever you’re working on.  My cousin was part of the Youth Delegation for the International Climate Change Conference, held in November in Cancun.  Through Facebook, the Youth Delegation was able to share information on the progress of the negotiations.  These young people created their own platform to inform the public of what was going on at the Conference.

  

Social media can also break the solitude of people who don’t have the ability to go out of their house for health or mobility reasons. 

Studies show that connecting with people is essential to happiness.  Social networking can certainly help you keep in touch with your friends more regularly and re-establish bonds with people you have lost touch with. It could never and should never replace human interaction.  But, if used vigilantly and if it doesn’t turn into an addiction, social networking can be a great addition to your life.  

DAY 118 - HEALTH AND HAPPINESS WITH AYURVEDA

Day 118

Ayurveda is the oldest form of medicine.  It was born in India more than 5000 years ago.  It uses a holistic approach to health, by working simultaneously on the physical and psychological wellbeing.

Ayurveda is based on the idea of karma.  It views physical and emotional suffering as being a direct consequence of our own actions.  In return, ayurveda doctors believe that we also have the power to reverse whatever mental or physical health problem we have by rebalancing our dosha (which translates into bodily humor in Sanskrit). 

Hindus believe that balancing your dosha can also help you create more harmony in your life, principally through diet, herbs, lifestyle and exercise.

According to Ayurveda, each individual has a unique Dosha.  Doshas are categorized into three main groups of mind/body humors: vata, pitta and kapha.

Vata

Vata is the humor governed by wind or air. Vata people generally have thin frames and tire easily due to quick excitability. This dosha controls movement and the nervous system.

Pitta

Pitta people are usually of medium build and may have red hair and short tempers, as this dosha is governed by fire. Pitta can lose its balance when exposed to too much sunlight or heat.

Kapha

Kapha people tend toward stockiness and larger frames. Physically strong and resilient, kaphas have good digestion, tend to be slow eaters and talk slowly.

Dosha Combinations

Double doshas are people who have their doshas in combination, such as vata-pitta or pitta-kapha. This means that you have equal qualities of both doshas.

Online, you can find many tests that evaluate your dosha with a little questionnaire.  However, the best way to really have an ayurvedic assessment is to consult an ayurvedic doctor. 

About a year ago, I consulted one.  She evaluated my physical and psychological health, prescribed me some herbs, advised me on appropriate eating habits for my dosha, suggested I do yoga and meditation and prescribed me a head massage to help appease my nervous system.

I really enjoyed the experience and I have been following some of her guidelines.  Since then, I have been far more conscious of my habits.   

The ayurvedic approach definitely has its imperfections, but as all alternative medicines, it views the body, mind and soul as a unity, which is, I believe, the direction we should take as a society in order to maximize our well-being.

DAY 117 - AEROSALSA

Day 117

For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been attending an aerosalsa class at the gym.  As the name indicates it, it is a class that includes salsa moves in an individual-oriented aerobic setting.  You don’t have to dance with anyone.  You’re on your own, showing what you can do with your hips and getting an amazing hour and a half workout.

The first time I attended the class, I was a little intimidated.  I had never really taken any type of salsa, so I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to follow.   However, very quickly, I was enchanted by the dynamic energy of the Afro-Canadian instructor.  He sure knows how to move and certainly doesn’t suffer from inhibition. 

As I was looking around at people in the class, I noticed everyone had a big smile on their face.  At that point, I thought: “Happiness really is contagious”.  I felt delighted and full of energy.  Latin music has that ability of lifting up your spirit and make you want to dance.

At times, during the class, I was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking:  “Wow, you can really move, girl!”  And, as I would be congratulating myself on my hip movement and my arms and feet coordination, I would lose the beat and find myself struggling to get it back. 

At other times, I simply couldn’t follow the steps.  The instructor’s feet were moving so quickly that, by the time my slow brain would process the information, he had already moved on to another step.  I must have looked very awkward, but I didn’t look in the mirror when that happened. 

In the end though, it really didn’t matter to me, how good or bad I was, I was having fun, dancing, smiling, getting a great work out and listening to upbeat music, all at the same time.   

DAY 116 - FRESH FLOWERS

Day 116

When I was doing my daily research on happiness, I stumbled upon an article that talked about fresh flowers and happiness.  I have always loved flowers.  In the summer, I really enjoy walking around and looking at the flower designs people create no matter the size of their front lawn. 

In the month of May, when lilacs bloom, my level of happiness quintuples.  Not only because of the beauty of that flower, which comes in different shades of purple and white, but also because of its delicate scent.

When I lived in Holland, I noticed that people would buy flowers on a weekly basis to decorate their house and fill their lives with a little bouquet of happiness.

Here, in Canada, we tend to buy fresh flowers to offer as a present.  We rarely do it for our own pleasure.

Research shows that receiving flowers can have a true impact on the mood.  If that’s the case, why not change your mood yourself, by going to the florist and getting flowers.

In Feng shui, which is the ancient Chinese art of house decoration, flowers are said to evoke universal human feelings such as beauty, grace and delicate sensuality.   In addition to the energy of beauty and grace, flowers are believed to bring good fortune to any home.

There is also a symbolic association to each flower.  So, depending on what you want to say, you can select your flowers accordingly.  http://www.iflorist.com/t-meaning.aspx/).

No matter what flower you choose though, its beauty and perfume is sure to lift your spirit, even if only momentarily.

So, today, I went to buy myself some flowers.  Winter is getting colder and colder.  And I really needed to bring a little sunshine into my day.  So, I went to see this Korean woman who owns a little flower shop a couple of blocks away from my house.  She is a wonderful woman.  She is always extremely kind and generous with everyone.   She is a single mom with 14 kids who works very hard and takes no time for herself (I think her store is always open).  Although her flowers might not be of the best quality, I would never go anywhere else.

When I came back home, as I was putting my flowers into a vase, I vowed to go and buy some regularly for no other reason than to bring a little more happiness into my life. 

DAY 115 - NAGGING

Day 115

Although your spouse or your children’s bad habits might annoy you, nagging is certainly not the solution. When you nag and repeatedly ask someone to do something, and they don’t do it, you have to come to terms with the fact that your strategy is not really working.

Nagging poisons relationships.  If you are the one nagging, you are bound to get frustrated by your partner’s indifference to your requests.  If you are the one being nagged at, you have learned to shut your ears, because listening to someone repeating the same things over and over again can get very irritating.

How can we overcome different tolerance levels when it comes to housework and general responsibilities within our homes? 

If you are the nagger:

-    Perhaps, start by limiting commands.  Instead of giving orders to your partner, maybe you could mention what needs to be done and come up with a solution together of how to proceed instead of imposing your strategy and your deadline

-  Accept the fact  that not everyone does things the way you do.  I’ve heard many women complain about the fact that their husband didn’t help change diapers and take care of their babies when they were little.  The problem is, when their husband first tried to change a diaper, they were behind him correcting his every move.  The husband was made to feel inadequate and so stopped trying.


-  Learn to view unimportant things as being what they are: unimportant.  Why create a conflict for a pair of socks lying on the floor instead of being in the hamper?  Although those trivial things can get annoying, creating a peaceful atmosphere in your house is a lot more important.

If you are being nagged:


-       Try to make an effort to respect your partner’s needs by showing that your are listening to what he or she is saying.


-       Express your irritation about the constant nag and try to suggest an alternative method of dealing with the situation.

Nagging never works because it creates tension that often turns into arguments.  As any bad habit, nagging could be hard to get rid of, but I believe that for the benefit of happiness, it is definitely worth trying to avoid.

DAY 114 - TRUTH OR LIE

Day 114

Although we are told to say the truth and to be honest from a very young age, just by observing and mimicking adults around us, we quickly learn to do otherwise.  Everybody lies.  As you were reading that sentence, you might have been saying: “Not me, I’m as straight as an arrow, I always tell the truth”. Do you?

Lying is so engrained in us that we don’t even realize we’re doing it.  Let’s begin with the start of a conversation.  When someone asks you:  How are you?  Most of the times, if not always, you will answer: “Very well, thank you, and you”.  Did you really evaluate your state of mind before answering?  We answer out of habit.  So, might there be other patterns we follow unconsciously that lead us to lie?

Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are obvious examples of organized lying.  There is a whole industry cashing in on the creation of illusions.  And Santa Claus personifies the biggest lie that ever was.  Around Christmastime, you find him everywhere and parents are using him as a way to manipulate their children, to make them be good: “Santa Claus only comes if you’ve been good!”.

We are generally very fair about lying. We lie to our partner, our children, our parents, our siblings, our friends, our colleagues, and even to ourselves.  Everyone eventually gets a little taste of it.  But why do we do it?

We lie in order not to hurt other people, to make ourselves feel or sound better than we are, to protect people we love. We lie to cover up a mistake.  We lie because sometimes telling the truth does not seem like the best option.

In Egypt, doctors lie to their patients, so that they don’t lose hope.   All over the world, politicians have made lying part of their profession.  So is lying inevitable?  Is it essential or is it a hindrance to happiness?  When is it wrong to lie?

CBC aired a documentary called The Truth about Liars.  According to the data found, lying is essential to our happiness and our survival.  Moreover, our ability to lie is directly related to our level of success.  Research found that we lie in one conversation out of four that lasts over 10 minutes.

So, I guess not all lying is wrong and the little white lies here and there are actually normal and perhaps even desirable.  But some lying definitely feels wrong and although I am not really sure where the line needs to be drawn, I strongly feel that there should be one.

Maybe those little white lies, you forget about them as soon as you tell them.  As a rule, if you’re carrying guilt or a negative feeling because of a lie, it can’t be that positive and it is certainly not conducive to happiness.

 

Link to The Truth about Liars: http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/Shows/Doc_Zone/1242299559/ID=1233752062

DAY 113 - THOMAS AQUINAS

Day 112

Thomas Aquinas, philosopher and theologian, lived from 1224 to 1274.  Prominent figure in the Roman Catholic history, he was named the “Angelic Doctor” by the Church because of his extensive writings about angels.  Aquinas was born in nobility but very early on knew he wanted to devote his life to God. In 1244, he came into contact with members of the Dominican order and, against the violent opposition of his family, became a Dominican friar. In 1323, 49 years after his death, Aquinas was canonized.  Since that time his thought has become more or less the official doctrine of the Roman Catholic church. 

During his lifetime, Aquinas widely studied Philosophy and Theology.  He wrote over forty books, integrating Greek Philosophy into his Christian Faith.

Thomas Aquinas divides happiness in two:  perfect happiness “Beatituda” and imperfect happiness “Felicitas”.  He believes that perfect happiness is unattainable on earth but that imperfect happiness is.

  

Part of the definition Aquinas gives of imperfect happiness comes from Aristotle.  He thinks that it can be attained through the virtues of courage, wisdom, temperance and justice.   However he adds to these virtues, the Christian virtues of faith, hope and love, which he believes were taught by Jesus-Christ.  Aquinas views the satisfaction of worldly desires as being merely enjoyments, which cannot possibly lead to any kind of true happiness.  He observes that human desires only lead to more desires, which, in the end, are never fulfilled.

According to Aquinas, perfect happiness can only be found in the afterlife.  Although we can achieve partial happiness by seeking the Truth thanks to our ability to reason, the complete Truth will only be revealed to us after our death.  Therefore, perfect happiness can only be found then.

Some people might find consolation for their suffering thinking that perfect bliss will be found in the afterlife.  And so, no matter what obstacle they encounter in life on earth, a true salvation lies ahead.  Call me an idealist, but I do believe it is possible to work toward the attainment of true Happiness in the Here and Now.  I might not have found all the tools to attain it yet, but I’m getting closer every day. 

DAY 112 -SHOPPING, MOPPING, PARENTING... WHICH ONE WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER?

Day 112

When we start thinking about having babies, many of us believe that the arrival of these little bundles of joy will, without a doubt, increase our level of happiness.  Surprise people!   Research shows just the opposite. 

Dan Gilbert, prominent psychologist, in a book called “Stumbling on happiness”, compares data and concludes that childless people are happier than parents. Moreover, studies show that parents find more happiness in shopping, eating and watching television than being with their kids.  “Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework," asserts Gilbert.  Thank god! At least parents would choose taking care of their children over mopping the floor…I got scared there for a minute!

From the moment my children were born, I felt my brain didn’t belong to me anymore.  From sleepless nights and changing diapers to long hours in the emergency room, daily homework, weekly activities, added laundry, lunch preparation, my children have certainly added work and worry to my life. 

The thing is, no new parent expects that to happen.  It’s like a societal secret that is carefully guarded, maybe in order to insure the survival of our species.  The idea of having children is romanticized, so we imagine that it will provide us with one blissful moment after another.  No one talks about the sleep deprivation, the crying, the whining and the stress.

I must admit, on a day-to-day basis, my children don’t always add to my happiness.  (Bad mother that I am…I feel blasphemous for saying that!)  But, at the same time, there is no greater love than the one I have for my two daughters.  When I look at them and take them into my arms, I feel a love greater than life itself. And I also do have some fun with them; we laugh, sing, play...  It's not only work and worry!  

My children might not always contribute to my moment-to-moment wellbeing, but they are definitely increasing my overall feeling of happiness.  They give my life purpose and meaning.

What I find interesting, though, about that study, is that for once, childless people are told that, in fact, statistically, they are happier than parents, when the whole world has been telling them just the opposite. 

In the end, as I’ve said in previous posts, no matter your circumstances, happiness will always start from within.    

If you like this post, pass it along.  To receive posts as they're being published, you can either send me an e-mail at alina500daystohappiness@hotmail.com or join the facebook group: 

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DAY 111 - SINGING, TAKE 2

Day 111

Last night, we invited friends over for dinner for my cousin Chris’s birthday.  After dinner, the evening slowly moved from the dining room to the living room where my piano and guitar both lay, accumulating dust.  Chris, who plays guitar, had brought songbooks and music sheets.

Very quickly, a bunch of us gathered around him and started singing.  It was fabulous… not in terms of the quality of our singing, which would require some improvement, but in terms of the experience.  Although, we might have sometimes been looking for the right rhythm or melody, no one really cared.  We were just gathered around a guitar belting out songs we knew, being happy we were there, only focusing on the song-at-hand, being squished together in order to be all able to read the lyrics and the music, loving the feeling of connection it created.  

In a previous post, I’ve already spoken about my love for singing and how I really feel I need to make sure it is part of my life.  Perhaps incorporating it doesn’t have to be as complicated as I think.    I originally was thinking of going back to performing.  If it does happen, good, but in the meantime, I simply need to create opportunities in which I get to sing.  My friend Christina keeps talking about finding a karaoke place.  Chris always talks about organizing musical evenings. My family wants to record all our childhood songs.   It seems like people around me also want to sing, so doing it shouldn’t be all that hard!

Being active in our quest for happiness doesn’t require extensive organizational skills, it only requires the WILL to do it.  When I sent out the invitations for Chris’s birthday get together, I asked everyone to bring lyrics of songs, thinking it would be a great opportunity to get to indulge in one of my passions.   Only Chris brought music charts.  However, in the end, as soon as the first chord of “Wild World” by Cat Stevens began, people got together and began singing!

DAY 110 - HAPPINESS: THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

Day 110

Countless people, including me, have created lists of what is essential to happiness.  Don Miguel Ruiz, bestselling author, is no exception.  Inspired by the Ancient Toltec of Mexico’s philosophy, which he is a descendant of, in the Four Agreements, Ruiz formulates four principles one should abide by to find the true path to freedom and happiness.

The First Agreement – Be Impeccable with your Word

Always mean what you say and always say what you mean.   In this agreement, Ruiz talks about speaking with integrity, love and truth.  He acknowledges that the truth can sometimes be hurtful to others and that the art of integrity also lies in knowing when to be verbal and when to be silent.  He believes that we should avoid using the power of the words to talk badly about ourselves or about others.

The Second Agreement – Don't Take Anything Personally

I find that one particularly interesting.  Most of us interpret what other people say with our own set of beliefs and baggage.  What Ruiz is saying is that what people tell you is a reflection of their own interpretation of the world and feelings, and that, in the end, their words do not reflect in any way the way you are. Ruiz goes on to say, “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”

The Third Agreement – Don't Make Assumptions

We take the word of others and often create a whole drama, perhaps because we have some kind of need to spice up our lives.  Some people are especially good at it, often using their imagination to create a situation that simply doesn’t exist.  Why not just ask for a clarification.  Are the words, “what do you mean”, “is that what you are saying”, so hard to pronounce that we prefer imagining rather than really knowing. 

We often assume that people see the world exactly the way we do and are the way we are, and so we tend to analyze and interpret their actions according to our own way of viewing life. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.    

The Fourth Agreement – Always Do Your Best

 Ruiz acknowledges that doing your best can vary, depending on your mood, your health and your circumstances.  However, he believes that you should always do the best you can at any given moment in your life. By doing so, you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  Doing your best means enjoying the action without expecting a reward.  The pleasure comes from doing what you like in life and having fun, not from how much you get paid.  Enjoy the path traveled and the destination will take care of itself.

Many people have said that reading The Four Agreements was a life-changing experience.  The four-agreement philosophy is certainly an eye opener.   Transformation, though, requires far more than knowledge.  It is the ability to turn knowledge into action, and that takes work and commitment.

DAY 109 - A GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT

DAY 109

My friend Christina has decided to go see all potential Oscar winning films before the end of the month.  So, last night, along with Catherine and Joanne, two other girlfriends, we went to the movies to watch The Black Swann. 

I had seen previews of the film and I really wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but I still went, thinking that the company would make up for the film, if it turned out to be bad.

I love going to the movies.  I love the smell of popcorn.  I love to sit on those large comfortable armchairs.  And as the lights go off and the screen lights up, I always feel as though a new adventure is about to begin.  I love watching the previews, thinking about and commenting on whether or not I would go watch this or that film. 

I love going to the movies because as soon as the lights are turned off, I enter a world and become completely absorbed by it for two hours.  For that period of time, nothing else matters; I have no problems, no responsibilities.  I feel free.

Last night, as the film began, I quickly realized that my instincts were right about that film and that it was not going to be that enjoyable. For large chunks of the movie, because of graphic violence, I had to close my eyes and ask Christina, who was sitting next to me, what happened. 

Thank god, during the movie, we were joking around, lightening up the way too tense atmosphere created by the seriousness and violence of the subject matter and the acting.  Nathalie Portman, who portrays a psychotic, obsessive, anorexic, crazy ballet dancer, gives a good performance.   However, the movie was so heavy and disturbing, without a single comic relief, except, of course, for the ones we created, that I came out of the movie thinking I really needed to either meditate or have a very strong vodka before going to bed, just so I could calm down. 

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I enjoyed the evening nonetheless.  I especially delighted in the laughter and discussions preceding and following the film.  Those precious moments made it all worthwhile.  Hopefully, the next film we promised ourselves to go watch will also provide us with some enjoyment because of its content!

DAY 108 - GOSSIPING

Day 108

A friend of yours comes up to you and tells you:  “Have you heard what happened to John”.  Your heart starts beating faster, some happy chemical is released in your brain and you start feeling the joy of gossiping even before you get the news.  Human beings, no matter the age, the sex, the social status or the origin all enjoy, to different degrees, talking about other people.  Originally, our ancestors needed to have information for survival reasons.  Today, it might not be essential to our survival, but it is nonetheless a very common activity.  In fact, research shows that we spend two thirds of our communication time relating news and talking about other people.

Some researchers, who have been studying the phenomenon, have even compared it to grooming in primates.   They have found that it helps create bonds and cement relationships.  It also establishes social standards so that individuals understand acceptable behavior. 

Why does gossiping feel so wrong then? If gossip is, like the dictionary defines it, “rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature”, all gossip is not negative.  It is possible to spread positive news about someone.  It also happens that we talk negatively about someone, because we have been hurt and we need advice.  And in that case, although there is judgment involved, it stems from a personal reaction to a situation.  

I believe gossip is plainly wrong when it has no purpose but to make yourself feel better by putting someone else down.  If you wouldn’t want the person you’re talking about to hear what you’re saying about them, then it can’t be positive.  In those cases, gossiping is not beneficial to anyone.  It could potentially destroy your relationship with the person you’re talking about and be very hurtful to him or her.

Some gossip is harmless and really does promote happiness.  For instance, when you relate good news about somebody you care about or when it is used for entertainment purposes, such as gossip about stars.  However, some gossip is mean-spirited and could have negative consequences.  So how do you make the difference?  Although, sometimes there could be a fine line between what is gossip and what is not, in general I think we all know when it is wrong to gossip because it just feels wrong!

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DAY 107 - THE COURAGE TO CONFRONT

Day 107

Who likes to confront?  I, for one, hate conflict and when I feel hurt by someone’s behaviour, I tend to avoid discussing it just so I can preserve harmony in my life.   The problem is, even if the atmosphere seems peaceful, if I am suffering from inner turmoil because of the situation; I am not really at peace.

Confronting people when we are emotionally involved is probably one of the hardest things to do.  It takes practise and determination.

My colleague Alicia and I were talking about our Christmas holidays.  She told me that during the holidays, her father and stepmother invited her and her boyfriend over for dinner.  Alicia and her boyfriend have been vegetarians for six years.   Somehow, her father had forgotten about that and they prepared a chicken dish.  Alicia was hurt, but she didn’t really talk to her father about how she felt.  As a result, she is still feeling resentful toward him and is trying to figure out how to deal with it.  It is not easy for her, since, there is a long history of similar events with her father.

Although confronting can be a difficult thing to do, in most cases, it is unavoidable, if you don’t want to tarnish your relationship.   Any unresolved situation will inevitably result in anger and resentment, which in turn can deepen, sometimes irreconcilably, the gap that separated you from the other person in the first place. Although, it is not easy to confront, not doing it is worse since it really has an impact on your wellbeing and peace of mind.

I am far from being a confrontation specialist, all I can say is that there are certain behaviours and strategies that I have used in the past, when confronting, that I have found helpful:

Staying calm and avoiding any emotional response

By not losing it even when I felt my blood boiling and remaining calm, I’ve noticed that it often helped prevent the conflict from escalating.

Listening to the other

When I’ve made the other feel like I was listening to his or her point of view, it always helped soften the tone.

Accepting that I will not convince the other of my point of view

The problem is when we are confronting people, we want them to acknowledge our feelings and agree with the fact that they were wrong.  Confronting is beneficial because it allows us to express how we are feeling not because we are going to convince anyone of anything. 

Although it might be a hard thing to do, when someone has done something that has hurt you, it is better to confront positively than to become resentful, adopt a passive aggressive behaviour or let it take such proportions that the gap between you and someone you really care about can no longer be bridged.

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