DAY 189 - SPRINGTIME HAS FINALLY COME

Day 189

Happiness is definitely springtime!  This weekend was the first warm and sunny weekend of the year.  And Montrealers decided that winter was over!  The whole city’s heart started beating again, people sitting on patios, sipping coffee, laughing and enjoying the sun.  Happiness could be seen and felt on everybody’s face and demeanour.

In winter, everyone always seems to be in a hurry, rushing from one indoor location to another to avoid the penetrating cold.  This weekend, people were strolling, taking the time to enjoy life.

As I was jogging on Friday, I noticed flowers starting to bloom… And although the smell in Montreal is not always pleasant (in the winter, Montrealers are known for systematically leaving traces of their dogs on the sidewalks so, when spring comes, it all unfreezes and fills the air with a "special" aroma!!!!), spring still always carries a sense of hope, of renewal…

On Saturday, I biked to the park with my daughters and we had our first picnic.  The grass was still yellow, some spots were muddy and the more shaded areas were still covered with a thin layer of snow, reminding us that winter was there not too long ago.  But the weather was clement and after eating, I lied down on my picnic blanket and watched my daughters roll down a hill! And as the sun was softly caressing my skin, I though that if, at that very moment,  I wasn’t experiencing perfect bliss, it was definitely something very close to it!

LONG LIVE SPRING

DAY 188 - HAPPINESS VOX POP - KELLY WILSON, SPECIALIST IN BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN

Day 188

KELLY WILSON

I am a 43 yearold divorced mother of 2 wonderful (although they drive me crazy at times and eat waaay too much) teenagers aged 15 and 16, 3 cats and 2 dogs. I was with my ex-husband for 22 years (since I was 17) before we divorced after working through his 9 year addiction to cocaine. I come from a very close family of 5 (4 older brothers), we spend most Sunday dinners together still and support each other a lot.

I am in a relationship with a great person who also has 2 children, although we do not live together (or because we don’t) we get along splendidly. He is a wonderful dad with wonderful kids and we are happy together (knock on wood).

What is happiness for you?

Happiness for me is to be able to enjoy all the moments in life (the good and the bad) without regret. Try to live life to its fullest (cease the day as they say) by not taking yourself or others too seriously. Appreciating life and trying not to waist this precious gift on things that are often stupidities.

Has your profession impacted your level and your vision of happiness? If yes, how?

 I am a specialist in behaviour modification working with behaviourally challenged autistic children. (Aged 1-18). I have worked in the field for 24 years and love my job (especially on days when I don’t get bitten or kicked). My job keeps me forever thankful that I have 2 healthy happy children while so many loving parents struggle with severe crisis in their families. I also get to (in some cases) feel that I positively impacted parental relationships and at times changed a whole family dynamic and gave the power back to the parents. 

Between teaching therapists how to work with my families and coaching parents on setting limits with their kids it is always interesting and rewarding. How lucky I am to have a job that can stimulate my interests, work with professionals, and laugh at all the funny things that kids do! My job makes me feel that I am not entitled to look at my life and be unhappy when I face so many difficult situations and deprived people who are so much worse off than me.  Oddly enough, most of them are pretty happy. Go Figure!!

Has your vision of happiness greatly changed through time?

No, over time the idea of the happiness I seek has remained the same.  I have always wanted and worked at being happy by focusing on all the blessings in my life. By doing this kind of thing, you usually just find more to be happy about as you get older…if it is working.

Do you believe you have control on your level of happiness?

Yes, I do believe that we have a big impact on our own level of happiness. In regular cases (not where there are any chemical imbalances) we can do many things to help ourselves be happier. Like all the suggestions in this blog that have been proven to enhance wellbeing, nothing comes from nothing, things take effort. If you want to be happy you need to actively seek it.

What do you do to change your mood when you’re feeling sad?

I try to give myself the time to feel sad if I have good reason, listening to music is the best one but then after a pre-set period of time I kick myself in the ass and, at least, physically move on to something else and then the mental aspect usually will follow.  

On the whole, would you say you are a happy person?

Yes, I feel that I am generally a happy person.  

  

DAY 187 - HAPPINESS AROUND THE WORLD

Day 187 

Carol Graham is a Research Director and Professor at the Brookings Institution,  University of Maryland. Graham spent time studying happiness everywhere in the world and has published her findings in a book called Happiness Around the World: the Paradox of Happy Peasants and Miserable Millionaires.  Her research has brought her to rich countries as well as poor countries, from Chile to Afghanistan, Kenya and the United States.

Carol Graham found that in fact, essential factors determining happiness were very similar in all countries.  First of all, she established a correlation between age and happiness.  According to her data, it presents itself in a U shape, with the lowest level of happiness being found, in most countries, around 45 years old.

Work also plays a role in happiness.  Everywhere she traveled, she found that the unemployed were much unhappier than the employed.  Furthermore, in most countries, marriage increased the level of happiness (it wasn't the case in Afghanistan and Russia, which she attributes to the inequalities between men and women).

The fact that the level of happiness in all countries is similar seems very interesting.  One would think that people in the Western world are substantially happier.  However, because happiness is evaluated within your set of reality, whether you are poor or rich is of little importance.  What matters the most is how you compare to others (i.e. what you have compared to your neighbor) and what you are used to.  


Graham found that the level of happiness of people who lived in unsafe countries was not affected  by that lack of security as much as it would be for people living in a safe place and suddenly finding themselves in a more dangerous location.

What I find fascinating in this worldwide study is the fact that it really demonstrates the adaptability of human nature, by showing that someone living in Afghanistan, for instance, a country that has been at war for 30 years, can be as happy as someone living in Canada. 

Since it is not possible to change your circumstances and your reality, I wonder how it would be possible to get to a state where you would be able to appreciate what you have as if you were not used to having it?  Could it be possible to mentally and emotionally stop taking everything you have for granted and start looking at all the beauty around as if you were enjoying it for the first time?  


It is undeniable that being grateful for all you have helps, but it doesn't resonate the same way it would if you had never had it in the first place.


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DAY 186-TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY IS NO JOKING MATTER

Day 186

When I was sixteen years old, I fell in love with a poet.  Every time I was around him, he would recite Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Apollinaire… three French poets I much admired at the time.   I was completely under his spell.  He seemed so profound and mysterious to me.  He wore bohemian scarves and had an eccentricity that girls (not only me) found irresistible.  He was a real artist.  I’m sure you can picture the type!

When I think back of that time, I laugh at the adolescent I was.  That boy took himself very seriously and, with all my innocence and gullibility, I jumped right into his game, taking him seriously as well.  Today, when I meet those types, I find them very funny. 

Not taking yourself too seriously and being able to laugh at yourself is an essential part of a happy life.  If you don’t, people end up doing it for you.  In order to do so, you have to be able to look at yourself as an observer, come out of your body, so that you can perceive yourself as an outsider would.  We all have funny habits and quirks, so why not use them to get a good laugh?

People who take themselves seriously, as my poet did, are often narcissistic.  They view themselves as being the centre of the universe and are way too involved in themselves to be able to observe their behaviour objectively and see how comical it may seem.  

Learning to laugh at yourself can really have a wonderful liberating effect.  It could allow you to put into perspective situations that could otherwise take gigantic proportions.    

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

Dame Edna Everage (Australian Comedian)

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

 Oscar Wilde

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DAY 185 - EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Day 185

The concept of Emotional Intelligence was developed in the 90’s.  It was first described by psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, and further studied by Daniel Goleman, in a book called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ.  Since then, studies have shown how Emotional Intelligence (the EQ) can have an impact on the level of happiness and the success of an individual.

Goleman  identifies the five following Emotional Intelligence 'domains':

Self-awareness - Knowing your emotions
Self-regulation - Managing your emotions

Motivation – Being able to motivate yourself

Empathy - Recognizing and understanding other people's emotions

Social skills – Developing and managing relationships

Emotions are part of life.  From the moment we are born, we start expressing emotions.  Later on, we learn to manage them.  Some are better at it than others; some never do! 

Emotional Intelligence can be developed by observing your emotions in order to understand them.  When you learn to take a step back from what you’re feeling instead of just being in a reactive mode, you can handle your emotions better.  As the Non-Violent Communication approach tells us, all emotions come from needs.  Identifying the need associated to the emotion will help not only control it but also express it.

In the morning, for instance, if we are running late and my kids are not hurrying up to get ready, I could become quite the basket case, speaking loud and getting impatient.  By getting mad at them, we all end up feeling bad for the whole day!!!!  All right, so I have an excuse, I am Egyptian, and as you might already know, we are unable to speak quietly, it’s in our genes!

In that situation, I’m getting upset because I feel that my need to be heard is not being respected.  If, instead of reacting, I become aware of the need, than I can express it in a more peaceful way, which in turn, will maybe have a better effect on my children than simply getting impatient with them.

This same approach can be applied to other people’s emotions.  When people are reacting towards you in an emotional way, if you really want to understand what is going on, you have to dig and try to find out what need is not being fulfilled.  Empathy will then become an essential tool and will help resolve whatever conflict or misunderstanding has occurred . 

Working on developing Emotional Intelligence requires patience.  Most of us have been following the same patterns for so long that it is very challenging to stop being emotionally reactive and take a step back to evaluate our emotional state, and the need that is not being fulfilled.  However, doing that on a regular basis can definitely have a positive impact on personal wellbeing as well as relationships.


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Day 184 - BE HEALTHY, BE HAPPY

Day 184 

When I began my blog, I asked one of my friends, who is a General Practitioner, what happiness was for her.  Without hesitation, she replied: “Health…without it, happiness is possible, but much more difficult to achieve”.  She is probably right.

It comes down to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  If your basic needs for mental and physical health are not met, how could you consider satisfying your higher needs (self-actualization, for instance)?  Isn’t the emotional wellbeing at least partly linked to the physical wellbeing?

Being the hypochondriac that I am (it’s hereditary, by the way), when it comes to my health and my children’s health, I often invent dramatic scenarios in my head … it doesn’t always pay off to have a wild imagination.   When I start having those self-created crazy thoughts, I usually am able to get a grip by thinking about those who REALLY are suffering.  

Health is one of those things we take for granted.  That is, of course, until we lose it…

That is why I try to lead the healthiest life possible.  I can’t control everything that happens to me, I am only a human being after all, and there are certainly no guarantees!  However, by making the right choices, whether it is through eating habits, exercise, sleeping habits or even spiritual health, I am doing what I can to remain physically, emotionally and spiritually happy…

“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

 Mahatma Gandhi

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DAY 183 - PASSION MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND....

Day 183

Every semester, I tell my students to prepare an oral presentation on their passion.  Many of them struggle to find a topic.  They often ask me if they can present a passion they used to have when they were younger, telling me that, although they would probably still enjoy it, they don’t really have time to indulge in any of their passions anymore.

As we get older and add on responsibilities, we tend to forget to take time to think about, and do, the things we love to do.  Our priorities change and our duties increase, so reflecting on what makes us happy becomes a luxury.

When I was young, I spent a lot time indulging in my passions, whether it was through drawing, writing, or singing.  Creativity definitely used to be part of my daily life.  Last Thursday, I went to see an astrologer who told me: “You have the soul of an artist”.   It made me realize that, in fact, I haven’t really been that creative since I have kids. 

The beauty with passion is that it allows you to live life instead of simply suffering through it.  Being involved, emotionally as well as physically, in an activity that you find stimulating and that you love, can really help you disconnect from the not-so-fun things in your life.  It is having the "flow" Mihaly Csiksxebtnukhalvi talked about.

Some people believe they don’t have a passion and that they never really did.  It was the case of my friend Donna.  As we were talking, I asked her what her passion is, or used to be.  She replied that she never really had a passion.  However, when I questioned her a little more, she realized that she did use to have a passion.  When she was younger, she would spend hours doing arts and crafts (knitting, sewing, etc.).  She used to love creating things with her hands.

Sometimes you get so used to your not-so-passionate state, that you forget that you are capable of immersing yourself entirely in an activity you love.  It could require digging into childhood memories to find out what used to ignite your inner fire, but no matter what it is, it is worth revitalizing.

Having a passion and indulging in it is choosing to feel alive. It might take some time to figure out (passions evolve with time), but I believe that re-learning to feel enthusiastic about something you love, whether you do it alone or with others, can definitely have a real impact on your overall state of wellbeing.  

 “Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things.”

Denis Diderot

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DAY 182- AND THERE SHALL BE A DAY OF REST

DAY 182

For six months, I have been writing every single day of the week.  It is true that I took some time off around Christmastime and for Spring break, but other than that, I’ve been writing daily posts, relentlessly studying and researching happiness, for 182 days.

After I had been writing for a month, my father suggested I take one day off a week.  “Everybody needs to rest once in a while”,  he said.  At the time, I was too enthusiastic about my project to consider his suggestion.  I wanted to prove to myself, and to the world, that I could write every single day for 500 days.  But who said it had to be consecutive days? 

What I didn’t know then, and I know now, is that time off is not only physically and mentally beneficial, but it also allows you to renew your sense of creativity.  Leonardo Da Vinci said: “Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.” And Ovid, the Roman poet, said, “Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.”

I am still full of enthusiasm and determination in my quest for happiness.  However, I now recognize the importance of taking a day off every week.  I guess my father was right (aren’t parents always right?), we all need at least one day a week to complete disconnect. 

So, as of next week, I will not publish on Saturday nights.  I will take that day to spend time with my family (without blog interruption) and take advantage of it to recharge my batteries.

And so, there shall be a day of rest…

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DAY 181 - HAPPINESS VOX POP - CHRISTINA FON, TRANSMEDIA PRODUCER

Day 181

As part of a series, every Friday night, I will publish visions of happiness as seen by people with different backgrounds, origins and life experiences.

CHRISTINA FON, TRANSMEDIA PRODUCER    


Christina Fon is a 43 year-old woman of Hungarian Jewish origin. Married and a mother of two, she works as a transmedia producer (interactive/film/TV), specializing in Native content. She has been very successful in her career, having won Geminis (a Canadian prize which honors the best in Canadian television) for some of her films.  She also happens to be my best and oldest friend.  We met when we were 11 years old and have been close ever since.

What is happiness for you?

Happiness is many things to me, but it is mostly having personal and intimate relations with the people I love. I also love meeting new and interesting people who allow me to see the world in different and unconventional ways.

Has your profession impacted your level and your vision of happiness? If yes, how?

 Yes. It has created a community of people that I have become friends with and that I love.  It has also created life goals that fulfill me.

Has your vision of happiness greatly changed through time?

 Yes. As I get older my focus has changed. When I was young, happiness involved immediate gratification.  Later on, my focus was centered on my children. And, although my main focus still remains making memories for my kids, as they get older and become more independent, I have more time for personal development. This now includes trying to get involved in activities that are outside of myself.  I haven’t been that successful at it yet, but I'm working on it!

Do you believe you have control on your level of happiness?

Yes but it's not easy. I have been applying mindfulness to help me achieve more positive thoughts and control over my worried brain. It's hard work!

What do you do to change your mood when you’re feeling sad?

Exercise, eating and sleeping well help. But mostly, I try and talk to my friends and spend time with them. And finally, one of the best ways to get over the blues, is having a good laugh. I love laughing and I have to say I am lucky to be surrounded by VERY funny people.

On the whole, would you say you are a happy person?

 Yes, but I certainly need some help and hard work to keep it consistent.


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DAY 180 - ON THE ROAD TO SELF-DISCOVERY... WITH THE HELP OF THE STARS!

Day 180

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited by one of my colleagues to attend one of her astrology classes.  They were looking for people who were ascendant Sagittarius.    I volunteered and loved my experience.  When I was there, all the students were looking at my birth chart, analyzing it and often speaking as though I wasn’t there.  The teacher made them notice particular elements on my chart and they discussed and debated them.  I was shocked to see how accurate some of the things they said were.  When I left, I decided to book a private consultation with the teacher.  I wanted to know more….

Today, I had my appointment with her.  First of all, I must tell you that she is far from looking like the stereotypical image you might have of an astrologer.  She doesn’t own a crystal ball and her office is not dark, full of purple and red curtains and smoky because of incense burning in a corner.

I was quite thrilled about finding out what she was going to tell me.  As soon as I sat down, she said: “I am not a fortune teller, I am only going to tell you what I see on your birth chart.” Astrology is not based on intuition or clairvoyance, but rather on an interpretation of the positions of the stars and planets upon your birth and their influence on who you are, who you were and who you will be.  

She spoke to me for two hours nonstop.  She talked about my past, my present and my future life.  She talked to me about the kind of person I am.  She spoke about the fact that “my mission” on earth is to teach… I guess I chose the right career.  She talked about different periods of my life…  After two hours of listening to her talk, I wanted more, but it was over! 

I was extremely impressed by everything she said!  I wondered how the positions of the planets could say so much.   And I questioned myself on whether or not they could really determine your personality and your potential….

I am naturally skeptical and I don’t take things at face value.  I generally tend to question what everybody views as being obvious. This experience has definitely changed my vision of astrology. 

It has opened up a whole range of questions pertaining to my identity, my past as well as my future.  If knowing yourself better and knowing what you want can improve your level of happiness, than this encounter, by giving me tools to do so, has definitely been beneficial to my quest.

“Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it.”

Simone De Beauvoir 

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DAY 179 - MINDFULNESS

Dat 179

Mindfulness, an approach initially developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, was first designed to assist him in his work with people suffering from a wide range of serious medical problems. In order to help patients cope with their conditions, Jon Kabat-Zinn developed an eight -week programme, integrating meditation, yoga and some discussion within a group setting of the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy. This approach is now widely being used by therapists as a means to improve the overall quality of life.


Of course, mindfulness can also be used by anyone wanting to enjoy life to its fullest. It is ideal if you want to cultivate awareness of the mind and body unity and work on improving your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. It was influenced in great part by Buddhist beliefs and practices.


Most of us spend the greater part of our lives thinking of the future or the past. As a result, we are sometimes not aware of the things that surround us. Mindfulness emphasises the importance of living in the moment, observing what goes on, but without judgement. It could be applied to any moment of your life, whether you are cooking, running or doing groceries.   The idea is to live the moment as it is, without trying to transform it, but by accepting it.


Mindful meditation is at the basis of the mindful practice. It has been shown that practicing it on a regular basis can not only improve mood but also reduce stress and anxiety. Practicing mindful meditation is not really complicated or difficult. It requires to simply focus on breathing in and out, sitting cross-legged or on the chair in a comfortable position, letting the thoughts come and go without judgement (don't get upset at yourself for having thoughts), always redirecting the focus on the breathing.

As any other type of meditation, mindful meditation requires regular practice in order for it to really be beneficial.


"It's not a matter of letting go—you would if you could. Instead of 'Let it go', we should probably say 'Let it be'.

"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."



Jon Kabat-Zinn

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DAY 178 - MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS: IS MARS A HAPPIER PLANET?

Day 178

This morning as I was thinking about the men in my life, I wondered if gender had an impact on the level of happiness.  A couple years ago, I watched a documentary that scientifically analyzed the brain functioning of men and women.  The findings were very interesting.  Men and women truly come from different planets.

Not surprisingly, the study had showed that women can double, triple or even quadruple task, while men need to focus on one single thing at a time.  It gave me an explanation on my husband’s inability to hear me call him when he’s watching a soccer match, especially during the World Cup.  It’s not that he is purposely ignoring me.  He probably can’t hear me (I like to believe that, so what if it’s not true).

A Colombian student of mine once told me that when his wife was pregnant, she was bedridden.  He therefore had to cook (he had never cooked in his life).  He couldn’t understand how his wife was able to cook chicken and rice at the same time.  It was a very challenging endeavor for him.  He typically would have first cooked his chicken and then made the rice!!!!

Men are apparently better with directions.  The study showed that when put in a maze, men were able to find their way out, while women kept on going around and around, getting lost and unable to exit.  I have to admit my husband is better than me at finding his way when we travel… the problem is, he never wants to ask for directions even if we are lost, but that’s a whole other issue!

Apparently, when it comes to happiness, men tend to be happier than women and suffer less from depression.  A McGill University study showed that, in fact, men naturally produce 52% more serotonin than women.  Serotonin is important, as it is one of the several neurotransmitters in the brain that affect mood.  Many antidepressants work specifically to prevent serotonin from being depleted from the bloodstream.

There are many natural ways of increasing the production of serotonin in the brain, through the consumption of certain foods (see the post: Let' Get Chemical) and through activities such as exercise and meditation.

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DAY 177 - AFTER 177 DAYS OF BLOGGING, AM I HAPPIER?

Day 177

As I was talking to one of my colleagues about happiness, my favourite topic these days, he asked me if, after 177 days of writing about it, I was a happier person.  It is definitely a question worth asking.

In the past six months, I have learned a lot about happiness.  And when someone gets me going on the topic, I can go on for hours, making references to the various studies and theories I have read, maybe boring those listening to me....  Thank god I haven't lost any of my friends yet...

But beside the knowledge I have acquired, am I happier today than I was six months ago?  Well, the answer is simply and without any doubt YES.  And  it is probably mostly due to the blog itself.

Amongst other things, happiness is about:

- finding meaning to your life
- having goals
- immersing yourself in things you like doing - having 'flow'
- learning
- helping others
- developing wisdom
- being in action
- knowing yourself
- being creative

Writing posts everyday has allowed me to simultaneously work on all of these aspects of my life.  As hard and challenging as it is to find a topic every single day and even though I sometimes feel like I'm painfully extracting thoughts and ideas from my brain, this project has brought my life so much more than what I had anticipated.

So, I'm happier today than I was six months ago, but at the same time, I realize more than ever that happiness is not a destination but a kind of obstacle course that requires work, skill and perseverance.

My friend Christina calls it my lover, my husband, I suspect, is sometimes a little jealous of it, but in the end, because I am happier, I have become, I believe, a better partner and a better friend.

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DAY 176 - THE EATERY LITERARY SOCIETY

Day 176

Months ago, at about the time I began writing this blog, I though about starting up a book club.  Being the procrastinator that I am, it took me six months of thinking before I decided to act.  

Two months ago, I finally sent my friends an e-mail inviting them to join the book club.  It was decided that our first read was going to be The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. 

Yesterday, the club had its first meeting.  I didn’t really know what to expect.  I have never been part of a book club and, although I found a little questionnaire on the novel, I knew we wouldn’t be a very disciplined group.  So, I went, not really knowing how it was all going to turn out, only being sure that we were going to have fun.

The outcome of the evening definitely surpassed my expectations.  My cousin Chris, as a Historian, had done some very enlightening research on the historical background of the book (the story takes place in Guernsey, a small British Island, after World War II), which brought the conversation to a higher level.  We all felt very good about that, flattering ourselves of our intelligence and scholarly conversations.   My cousin Serge made us laugh with his sharp criticism of the book.  My friend Christina, still hadn’t finished reading it, which definitely added to the debate and created some comic relief!!

At a certain point, I looked around and noticed that everybody was talking at the same time.  It sounded like I was at one of my family reunions (Egyptians are known for being loud talkers and for not listening to one another). There was a sort of exhilarating chaos, with everyone vigorously expressing their thoughts on the novel, and on other issues of course.  At that moment, I felt a surge of happiness, as I saw that the event had suddenly taken a life of its own!

Everyone brought a dish to share.  The food was delightful, the company and the evening memorable!  Serge ended up coming up with the name of our Club: The Eatery Literary Society... I think it suits us quite well!  

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DAY 175 - WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE... WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK OUT ON ME? (THE BEATLES)

Day 175

I went for a jog today.  I was not motivated at all.  I felt tired and it was cold. I still managed to convince myself to go. I didn't regret it.  I felt so much better afterwards.

While I was jogging, on two occasions I had the opportunity to help somebody.  It happens to me all the time,  but for some reason, I don't always do it.  A woman was carrying a box and wanted to open her car door.  Her hands were full and she was struggling to try to get her key.  I could have offered my help, but somehow I felt uncomfortable, so I refrained from doing it.

As I continued jogging, I wondered how I would have felt if someone had approached me in that same situation.  My natural instinct would have probably been to refuse help.  Our society has become so paranoid and individualistic, that when strangers offer help - or even just smile at us for that matter - we wonder what they want from us and we automatically say no.   For that reason, accepting kindness from strangers and helping strangers has become a rare phenomenon.

I decided right there and then that from now on, anytime I want to offer my help to someone, I'll just go ahead and do it, no matter what the outcome is.  So, as I was approaching my house, a woman had just taken a big box out of a car.  She did not have her jacket on.  She was in front of her apartment building.  As the car drove off, she started running after it, obviously having forgotten to take something out of the car or to say something to the driver.

Right away, I asked her if she needed to use my cellular phone to call her friend back.  She refused, but warmly thanked me.  I felt good, like I had done the right thing.  It wasn't much, but still I was happy about it  Sometimes, it's not about being successful in helping a person, but only about feeling like you're doing what all human beings should be doing: offer help to someone who needs it.

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DAY 174 - HAPPINESS: EAST AGAINST WEST

Day 174 

A Russian student of mine came up to me the other day and asked me why I smiled so much.  He was asking me, but he was also referring to North American people in general.  He thinks that North Americans smile way too much.  In Russia, he says, people only smile when there is something to smile about.  

It is true, that in North America, we tend to value the big, white, beautiful smile as being a sign of happiness, kindness and even success.

It made me think about cross-cultural differences when it comes to happiness and the definitions different societies might have of the concept.  I stumbled upon an article written by Yukiko Uchida, Vinai Norasakkunkit and Shinobu Kitayama entitled: Cultural constructions of happiness: theory and empirical evidence published in the Journal of Happiness Studies.  In that study, the authors compare the perception of happiness in the Western world with the one in Eastern Asia.

They found that the happiness of Westerners was largely based on personal accomplishment, self-esteem and personal gratification.  It was mostly an individualistic quest. They also observed that to feel happy, people had to experience positive feelings such as excitement and enthusiasm. 

In Eastern Asia, happiness tended “to be defined in terms of interpersonal connectedness”. People's happiness came from their relationship with their collectivity, rather than their personal needs and desires being fulfilled. They also noticed that individuals in these cultures wanted to create and maintain a balance between positive and negative feelings.  Finally, Eastern Asians defined happiness as being a feeling of calmness and tranquility.

That study demonstrates that when we, as Westerners, define happiness, we should realize that our vision of it is influenced by our cultural understanding of the word and is not universal.

Happiness is, for many of us, an accumulation of positive emotions brought through positive experiences.  It comes from the bad /evil dichotomy we grew up with and that greatly defines our culture.  You feel bad or you feel good.   When you feel bad, you’re unhappy.  When you feel good, you’re happy. 

Probably because of the influence of many traditional beliefs (Taoism, Hinduism and Buddhism), Eastern Asian people view good and bad, joy and pain, as being complementary and equally essential to a balanced life.  And so negative emotions are viewed as being part of the equation, as much as positive emotions, in order to be happy!  That is why they believe you need to feel calm to be happy and not exhilarated.  That philosophy is something we, as Westerners, can definitely learn from.

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DAY 173- TO BE OR NOT TO BE AN IMPOSTOR ... THAT IS THE QUESTION

Day 173

Have you ever been in a conversation where people are talking about something that you don’t know anything about?  Two reactions are possible in this type of situation, you can either decide to be honest and ask details in order to understand and learn, or you could pretend you know what people are talking about and wallow in your ignorance.

Obviously, put that way, the first solution certainly sounds better.  Why would someone purposely choose ignorance?  The reason why we sometimes choose to pretend we know, even when we don’t, is  fear of judgement. Many of us fear of giving an image of being unintelligent.

Judgement is inevitable.  We judge and we are judged all the time.  In the end, we need to look at it from a personal perspective.  To grow, to learn and to evolve, we need to be humble enough to accept that knowledge is a never-ending work in progress.

As a teacher, I’m often confronted with questions.  I don’t always know the answer, but I often feel like I should.  How could I be teaching and not know everything about my subject matter?  It took me time to accept it, but I’m slowly learning that admitting my ignorance doesn't take away the knowledge I do have.  In class now, when my students ask me something I don't know, I simply say: "Honestly, I don't know, I'll look it up and get back to you."  

When, in the past, in a class context, but also in a social context, I’ve pretended to know, it never made me feel very good.  I would get anxious and start sweating.  I would be thinking: What if someone finds out I'm pretending?  What if I get caught?  In those situations, I would often feel like an impostor.  I would  try not to get noticed or simply suddenly have an urge to go to the bathroom so that I wouldn’t be put on the spot and be forced to reveal my fraud. 

I have already written a post about the fact that we all lie and that lying could sometimes be beneficial to us.  However, in the context of pretending you know something you don't, I believe it is always better to be truthful.  It takes courage, but every time I’m confronted with that type of situation and I confess my lack of knowledge, I come out of the conversation not only feeling happy that I have learned something knew, but also that I was able to stand by and be proud of who I really am.




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DAY 172 - HAPPINESS ACCORDING TO SOCRATES

Day 172

Socrates was born in 469 BC and died in 399 BC. Being the son of a sculptor, Socrates spent half of his life following his father's footsteps, before finally deciding to devote his life to philosophy. Socrates did not write any philosophical books himself. It is the works of his disciples, mainly Plato and Xenophon, that has given us a historical account of his philosophy. Socrates died poisoned, after being accused of both corrupting the minds of the youth of Athens and of not believing in the gods of the state.

Socrates believed that every choice we make in life is dictated by our desire to be happy and that this quest for happiness is shared by all human beings. Socrates divided humanity in three group: people who sought happiness through pleasure, those who found happiness in fame, honour and social status and finally, those who looked for happiness in knowledge and wisdom.

Socrates thought that this last group was more likely to achieve happiness, since he believed that, "an unexamined life is not worth living" and that knowledge and wisdom provide means to examine and analyze your life.

For Socrates, ultimate happiness was therefore found through self-knowledge and by applying this knowledge in order to better the soul. And how would someone aim at perfecting his or her soul? Like many other Greek Philosophers (i.e. Aristotle, Epicurus), Socrates believed you had to be virtuous.

For him, virtue is both necessary and sufficient for happiness. Even though we may feel happy when we acquire things, when we achieve success or when we attend fun events, true happiness comes from virtue. Because if you strip someone of his or her possessions, all that is left is the soul.  And if the soul is evil, then there cannot be happiness.

Socrates believed that if you cultivate the ‘four cardinal virtues’ (courage, wisdom, justice and self-control) throughout your entire life—though you achieve nothing else—you will have lived a truly excellent life.

"The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less."

"Be as you wish to seem"

Socrates

DAY 171 - GETTING THE BOOST YOU NEED

Day 171

For a couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about starting to jog again. Although, I’ve been doing some classes this winter, after my workouts, I never feel as good as when I go for a run. There’s something about the rhythm, the breathing, the flow in jogging that puts me in a meditative state.  Not to mention how incredible I feel mentally and physically after running.

With the arrival of warmer weather, the idea of going jogging was definitely becoming more and more present in my mind. This time around, I thought it would be a good idea to have an objective, like registering to a 5 or 10-kilometre-run event. I thought that for a start, these distances didn't seem so threatening to me.

Today, I was talking to the mother of one of my daughter’s school friends. Both are kids were victims of a rumour and we were discussing the issue. After a while, we started talking about other things. She is a true athlete. She does half marathons, bicycle rides and triathlons. She is in wonderful shape. As I was telling her about my little project, right away she offered to do a 5-km run with me. She told me she would find the event and register us.

She came at the right time, giving me the push I needed to start running again.  Was it a coincidence?  Maybe, but maybe not!  All I know is that after hanging up with her,  I put on my running shoes and went for a twenty-minute jog. I felt so good afterwards, full of energy and especially in a better state of mind...

Sometimes, all you need is a little boost to start up the engine again. It is then up to you to keep it running so that you could get wherever you want to go!

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DAY 170 - DISCOVERING A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

Day 170

Every session I ask my students to prepare an oral presentation about their passion. As we were doing that activity last semester, a student of mine said something that I thought was really interesting. First, you have to know that this Tunisian woman is one of the most genuine, honest, kind, natural and happy people I have ever met.

As people were going up to do their presentations, she commented that she was so glad that through this exercise she was able to find out something special about each of the students. She continued by saying that everyone has something special and that she loves to take the time to discover it. At that point, I looked at her and thought: "I want to be just like you when I grow up".

I don’t consider myself being particularly judgmental, but I do sometimes get annoyed by people and then stop looking for that diamond in the rough.

I really feel that her words have impacted my way of looking at people. Whenever there is a person that rubs me the wrong way, I look twice to try and find something good about them. And funny enough, I’ve actually been able to do that.  Sometimes it's harder than others...you gotta dig deep, but most of the time it doesn't take much.


When you give people the benefit of the doubt and show them some interest, although they initially seem disagreeable; they often turn around and become kinder. Initial aggressivity and rudeness, I discovered, often stem from a defence mechanism.

And that is exactly what happened to me this semester with one of my students.  I discovered that behind a seemingly rude and tough surface, there was a gentle and generous soul.      


Developing these qualities has definitely been beneficial in my life. Feelings of anger, frustration and irritation toward others tend to be destructive, while giving love and kindness, even to people who initially did not give you a good impression, just plainly feels good and helps make the world a better place.   All right, so there goes my sappy side again!!!  What can I say, I just can't help it!!!


Peace and Love
The hippie wanna be!


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