DAY 73 - BECOMING "FLABLESS"

DAY 73


I have been going to the gym for more than twenty years. My workouts have never included much muscular training. I have always found the mere idea of lifting weights extremely boring.  In the past few weeks, I’ve been reading about the benefits of muscle development. On Friday, I finally decided to follow a muscle toning class. I liked it, although I felt the teacher looked far more gracious than I did.  I kept on tensing my face muscles…  I don’t think I was supposed to do that.  When she was showing us the movements, she made it look so easy.


On Sunday, I went back to the gym. This time, I went with my friend Christina who has been incorporating muscle training in her workout routine for the past 6 months.  As we were doing some weightlifting, I asked her what she felt were the psychological benefits of muscle training, she answered: " It makes you feel stronger." 



There are obvious physical benefits to muscle training.  First of all, after the age of 30, we lose half a pound of muscle a year.  Over a couple of years, muscles melt away and are replaced with FLAB. And nobody wants flab!   Besides the impact on physical appearance, this bodily transformation contributes to the slowing down of the metabolism, which is the reason why we gain weight as we age, without really changing anything in our food consumption. 



Weight training obviously increases muscular strength, but also augments tendon, bone and ligament strength.   Furthermore, because of the role played by muscles in shock absorption and balance, developing our muscle mass helps diminish the risks of injuries when practicing any activity.  



Last September, my friend John who is 50 years old and has been intensely weight training for about a year got hit by a car while biking.  He flew off his bike and landed on his shoulder.  He was riding at 30 km an hour.  Although he was bruised all over and was off work for a couple of weeks, he miraculously did not have a broken bone in his body.  The doctors told him, that his strong muscles, tendons and ligaments helped absorb the shock when he fell down. 



Studies show that muscle training also increases psychological health.  It boosts self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and gives an overall feeling of well-being.  When you physically feel strong, it helps you mentally feel strong.   So, why aren't we all following a weight-training program? 


No matter the reason why I have never done it in the past, in my quest to maximize my happiness, I will now incorporate weight training to my exercise routine and my daily life!   
I’m sure if I stick to it and I manage to eliminate some of the unwanted accumulated layers on my body, it will make me very happy!

  

DAY 72 - HAPPINESS ACCORDING TO EPICURUS

Day 72 - Epicurean hedonism

Epicurus was an ancient Greek philosopher (yes, another one) and the founder of the Epicurean philosophy school.  He lived from 341 to 270 BC.   He viewed friendship as being fundamental to happiness.  As a result, his school served as a platform to develop friendships. 

Although he established a hierarchal system of levels among his followers, because he regularly accepted women and slaves at his school, he is seen as being one of the first Greek philosophers to introduce the concept of human egalitarianism.

Epicurus associated happiness to pleasure.  However, his definition of pleasure had nothing to do with excess.  He believed in moderation, since pleasure had to be evaluated not only in terms of intensity, but also in terms of duration and purity (moral virtue).    In that perspective, getting drunk or overeating transgress the durability and purity aspects of pleasure.  He thought that a simple life would lead to a more durable happiness.

For him, all our actions are governed by our desire to seek pleasure and try to avoid pain.  He actually viewed the absence of pain as being pleasure in itself. However, he also deemed that some pain could be endured with the help of the mind, by focusing on present, past and future happiness.

Epicurus did not believe in the afterlife.  For him, the soul and the body both disintegrate after death, so there is no reason to fear death.  If there is no existence after we die and therefore, we can no longer experience any kind of sensation, why worry and become unhappy over something that we will never experience.

Finally, Epicurus perceived freedom from material goods, prudence, security and the study of philosophy as being essential tools in the pursuit of happiness.  

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

"Of all the means to insure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends."

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist."

— Epicurus

DAY 71 - SHE KICKS, SHE SCORES

Day 71

My oldest daughter loves soccer.  She is passionate about the sport.  Since the beginning of the summer, my husband, along with our friend Ramona, has been coaching her intercity team.    Because she is playing at a competitive level, soccer has become another member of our family! 

I have always sworn to myself that I would never become one of those crazy soccer parents who scream when they’re on the bench watching their kid play.  The first match they had last May, I screamed so loud that by the end of the match I had lost my voice.   I have now accepted the fact that I am no different than all those so-called fanatical parents!!!!  The beautiful thing about middle age is acceptance of one’s contradictions!

When I watch my daughter play, time stops.  I get so involved in the game that I can sometimes feel my heart skip a beat, accelerate, race or slow down, as the match progresses.  The variations of my emotional state are intimately linked to her team’s performance.  And when she scores, my proud motherly heart overflows with joyful tears.

Today, I attended one of these matches.  Her team won 2-0 against the strongest team of the league.  When she scored the second goal, my daughter extended her arms and ran frenetically through the field with excitement and delight jumping into the goalie’s arms.  At that point, my heart was beating rapidly and I was clapping and screaming with an extraordinary intensity.

This morning, I hesitated before going to watch her game. I always have so much to do on Sundays.  However, because my daughter insisted, I decided that my housework could wait.  Making her happy became my source of happiness and through the process, I found genuine happiness myself!

DAY 70 - DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

Day 70

When we meet new people, we very often make an instant judgement on the kind of person we believe they are.  We base that judgement on appearance, style, tone of voice, etc.  It is as though we feel the need to mentally compartmentalise people.  We establish these various categories according to our social background, experiences and beliefs. 

As teenagers, we learn to master that art.  In my school, growing up, there were hippies, discos, punks, nerds, losers, preppies and jocks.   Each group presented a series of behaviours and beliefs.  In general, it was the choice of hairstyle and clothing that identified you as being part of a specific group.

When I first met my husband about twenty years ago, I remember telling a friend of mine who thought he was good looking: “He’s really not my type!  He’s way too preppy for me!”  Because of prejudice, we sometimes close doors that should remain open.

Countless times I have been wrong in my first impressions. Every time I start a session, I have the opportunity to meet new people.  Because I teach a communication class, after 9 weeks, I really get to know my students.  There is often a significant discrepancy between what I subjectively imagined of a person and the reality.

Being open minded and disregarding your prejudice can really give you the opportunity to discover people that you could potentially connect with and with whom you could develop a friendship.  You can never know if there is a pearl in an oyster’s shell until you open it!

DAY 69 - S.O.S MOTIVATION

Day 69

Every morning, I get up, go on my computer to check my e-mail, see if anyone has commented on my posts and take a look at my readership.  When my readership is up, I become happy and motivated to write my next post.  When it’s down, I get discouraged and sometimes question myself on the relevancy of writing a blog on happiness.

Finding motivation on a daily basis is not an easy task.  I admire people who have a persistent tireless drive and fire.  Those, who go ahead, no matter the obstacle, with their head down ready to break any wall that stands in their way.  My style is more analytical.  I look, observe, analyze and then I go forward.  When I hit an obstacle, I look, observe and analyze again to try and find a way to overcome it.  Does looking, observing and analyzing sometimes get in the way of my motivation?

In order to achieve any goal in life, you need to be inspired to do so.  There is nothing easier than falling into a motivational slump.  I’ve experienced that a number of times with working out.  I start off going to the gym 4 times a week and then, one day something comes up and the routine is broken.  From that moment on, any excuse becomes valid not to go: “I should go food shopping. ” “I should have a coffee with Catherine, I haven’t seen her for a while.” “ I really need to clean up my house”.  “I only have an hour ahead of me, it’s not enough time.”   In terms of giving myself excuses not to go, I can get pretty creative.

Since motivation is a driving force to achieving your goals, it needs to become a daily priority.    What helps in my case is to avoid thinking too much about what I have to do.  Instead, I just get up and do it.  Very often, as I am doing it, motivation surfaces out of nowhere and when I’m done, a feeling of satisfaction replaces the initial lassitude.   

Everybody has their own way of getting motivated.  The important thing is to apply whatever works for you.  In doing so, you have a better chance of achieving your goals and therefore lead a more gratifying life.  

DAY 68 - BACKGAMMON TOURNAMENT

Day 68

Twice a year, my brother invites my cousins over for a backgammon tournament.    Although there is a game involved, this event serves as an opportunity for my family to reconnect with these cousins we grew up with.  The evening is always filled with laughter and good food.

Last Saturday was our biannual tournament.  Because I’m the little sister, my family has never been very competitive with me.  Obviously, I am so much younger than my brothers that, growing up, they never thought I could beat them at any game. This Saturday, I won the tournament.  Although I am not of a very competitive nature, I must say that it brought me a lot of joy.

Game boards, in general, have the ability to bring on a lot of pleasure.  When you are involved in a game, the present moment is the only one that counts.  As a result, time passes fast and problems about the past and the future disappear. 

I’ve had many game nights with friends.  Every time we do, we laugh a lot, talk a lot, but more importantly, we enjoy the present moment.   We spend a great part of our lives worrying about things that haven’t happened, we’re afraid are going to happen or that have already happened. Creating situations in which there can be no other time than the here and now is an undeniable in the quest for happiness . 

DAY 67 - BEING CONFIDENT

Day 67

Some people look like they are just breathing with self-confidence while others visibly suffer from insecurities. Both nature and nurture will play a determining role in the self-confidence level of a person.   

It might vary from one area of life to another.  I know a number of professionally competent and confident people who become very insecure in social settings, and vice versa. 

I remember the first time I stood in front of 30 students.  I was so nervous and insecure, I thought I was going to literally lose consciousness.  I survived the experience and now, when I begin a new group, I’m not anxious, but excited to meet my students.  Self-confidence can be acquired with time and practise.

 

Feeling insecure is not necessarily negative.  It is true that if you wallow in it and it affects your self-esteem, it will have a negative impact on your life.  On the other hand, when handled properly, insecurities can become a driving force for you to work harder at achieving your goals.   It becomes a problem when they turn into fear and immobilize you.

In the past, I have noticed that overconfident people sometimes lack introspection and depth.  If you never question yourself, you cannot progress.  You end up stagnating.  By the same token, if you question yourself too much, you become inert and unproductive.

Insecurities need to be dealt with, especially when they become paralyzing.   By knowing what triggers that feeling (i.e. caring too much about what people think, being too much of a perfectionist) and developing tools to fight it (i.e. accepting your strengths and weaknesses, becoming more courageous), it is possible to increase self-confidence and, as a result have a more positive outlook on life.

DAY 66 -MASLOW AND THE HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

DAY 66

Abraham Harold Maslow was born in1908 in Brooklyn, New York.  He was the first of seven children.  His parents, who were uneducated Jewish Russian immigrants, really pushed him hard for academic success. To satisfy his parents, he first studied law at the City College of New York (CCNY).  After three semesters, he decided it wasn’t for him, so he began studying psychology.  He received his BA in 1930, his MA in 1931, and his PhD in 1934, all in psychology. 

Maslow’s most famous work is the hierarchy of needs in which he suggests that people have to fulfill their basic needs before moving on to other needs. He identifies five different levels of needs.

MASLOW'S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

1. Physiological Needs (water, air, food and sleep)
2. Security Needs (steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment).
3. Social Needs (sense of belonging, love and affection).
4. Esteem Needs (self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment).
5. Self-actualizing Needs (self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential).

According to this hierarchy, which is often shown in a pyramid, only once the previous need is met, is it possible to move on to the next level.  That explains why people in third world countries do not suffer from psychological disorders as much as people in developed countries.  They are too busy trying to fulfill their basic needs.

In his quest to understand human motivation and the pursuit of happiness, Maslow formulated a list of basic human needs that had to be fulfilled for maximum psychological health.  Although, some people have argued this theory, it still provides us with a portrait of all the aspects of life necessary in order to live a fulfilling life.  

DAY 65 - GAUGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Day 65

High expectations in any area of your life can potentially lead to disappointment.  It doesn’t mean you have to be pessimistic or negative.  It simply implies that you need to adopt a realistic standpoint when it comes to things that are beyond your control.

Having a preconceived image of how you want things to turn out is quite natural.  One of the best examples of that is when you give birth to your first child.  Initially, you imagine that the little bundle of joy you’re about to bring to life, will only bring you happiness.  Throughout your pregnancy, you imagine yourself nurturing and loving that little cheeky baby.  In that scenario, you’re rocking your baby who’s peacefully sleeping in your arms. 

When you finally give birth, you’re shocked and after one week of sleepless nights, diaper changing, nipple compresses and crying fits from your baby, your vision of motherhood is completely transformed. If I had had a realistic image of the beginnings of motherhood, maybe I wouldn’t have found it so hard. I had very high expectations.

Lowering your expectations does not mean giving up your ambitions.  Having goals and being optimistic about reaching them is essential.  But at the same time, you have to be prepared for things to turn out differently than what you had planned.  No only will it help alleviate the feelings of disappointment, but it will also allow you to adapt more easily to the new situation and find solutions to any hurdle that comes your way.

DAY 64 - SUNDAY DINNER

Day 64

It is Sunday night.  We are on our way to my parent’s house.  Today, we are celebrating my husband and my twin nieces birthdays.  I’m already fluttering with excitement.  I know tonight my mother has prepared a traditional Egyptian meal: Molokhia. 

As I get out of the car, I can already faintly smell the aromas of garlic and coriander emanating from my parent’s home.  With each of my steps, the scent is getting more and more perceptible.  I finally open the door.  I am submerged by a rainbow of warmth and smells that please my senses and comfort my soul.

Sunday nights have often held that scent at my parent’s house.  It is as though I have been conditioned, like Pavlov’s dog, to feel happy whenever I smell the mix of coriander and garlic frying in a pan.

Studies show that olfactory memory can bring you back to early childhood better than any other sense.  My memories of childhood are filled with joyful moments.  So this smell brings me back to a feeling of comfort and peace.  Today, I am smelling my way to happiness.

http://pbr.psychonomic-journals.org/content/13/2/240.short

DAY 63 - MARVELING AT LIFE

Day 63

Last night, the doorbell rang.  A Hassidic Jewish man was at my doorstep holding a 20-dollar bill in his hands.  He asked me if I had dropped that money in front of my house.  I told him that I hadn’t but that maybe my husband had.  He handed me the 20 $ bill and left saying: “Enjoy”. 

I was ecstatic.  I felt the same way I feel when I find money in one of my jackets.  It could be 5, 10 or 20 dollars, the amount is not that important.  What brings me joy, is the element of surprise, finding unexpected money. 

It made me think about the fact that in general, one of the reasons why we tend to be dissatisfied with our lives is because we take everything we have for granted.  If we were able to marvel at it the same way we do when we discover something for the first time, we would probably be happier.

This morning, my children were so excited when they looked outside and saw it was snowing.  I, on the other hand, groaned!  Not already!!!!!  But snow could be beautiful.  It depends on your perception of it!  Think of the first times you experienced or acquired anything you have. 

The first time my husband and I kissed, I trembled with joy.  The first time I held my kids in my arms, I cried of happiness.  The first day I slept in my king size bed with my new comforter, my heart was filled with joy when I went to bed.   When we first finished painting our house, I would sit and marvel at the walls with a never-ending smile. 

If we were able to go through every experience in our lives as thought it was the first time we lived it, we would probably be able to achieve more contentment.  We get accustomed to things very quickly and sometimes, even if we desperately wanted something, it soon becomes another trivial addition to our lives.  Learning to wonder a littlle more at everything that surrounds us might not be that easy, but it could help us positively tint our vision of our life. 

DAY 62 - ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

DAY 62

Today, in class, we had our traditional community lunch.  Each student prepared a typical dish from his or her country.  We organize this activity every time we begin a new session.  It allows students to socialize and exchange in an informal and friendly setting.

At the end of the meal, we always make a speech to welcome the students and thank them for taking the time to prepare such delectable food.   At that moment, my colleague John spontaneously broke into a song: “Love, love, love, all you need is love.”  He began singing that Beatles tune.  As I joined him in his improvised concert, I thought that indeed, to be happy, all you really need is love.

I’m not talking about romantic love or any other specific love, but I’m referring to the feeling itself, that emotion that can overcome you at any time and give you a genuine sensation of well-being.  When I meditate, I sometimes try to feel love.  If I’m not in the greatest of moods, it really helps me feel content.

As a parent, I often have to discipline my children.  I have been making an effort to always do it with love.  I find that it makes a difference in the way my children perceive and react to my demands.   This strategy could probably also be applied in other spheres of life.  When we communicate with love and compassion, people are more receptive.

“I love you” is probably the best sentence we could say and hear.  It fills your heart with such an immense joy, no matter if you are giving or receiving the love.  Yet, most of us scarcely use these words and when we do, it’s often out of habit and not necessarily deeply felt. 

We spend so much time dwelling on negative feelings.  Maybe it would be time for us to start spending more energy on feeling and giving love.

DAY 61-SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN HAPPIER THAN OTHERS

Day 61

My children were born with very different temperaments.  My oldest daughter had a very quiet cry.  She smiled at us, but it took several months before we heard the sound of her laughter.  Today, she is a little reserved and a little serious.  My youngest daughter used to scream when she wanted something.  She was also born laughing.  Today, she is very emotional and she loves to joke around and make people laugh.

We are all born with a temperament.  In fact, research shows that some people are born with a happier disposition than others.  Happiness is written in their genetic make-up.  I have a friend who is like that.  She never wakes up in a grumpy mood.  When she told me that, I didn’t believe her… Never???  How could that be possible? 

I, very often wake up grumpy.  So, I have to work on putting a smile on my face.  I remember in my 20’s when I was traveling through Europe with my friend Christina.  She would wake up in such a sunny, happy mood and I would look at her thinking: “What the heck are you so happy about?”   Since that time, I have tried to change that aspect of my personality and I truly make an effort to work those cheek muscles when I get up in order to save my family from my grumpiness. 

So, we all start out life at different set points of happiness.  Research shows that 50% of our happiness depends on our genetic baggage.  Does it mean that if you are not born with this genetic gift, you are doomed to have an unhappy life?  I hope not!  Probably those who were not born with that happy gene just have to work harder at it.   The same way some people have to work hard at attaining and keeping a healthy weight.

Being happy for some people is a natural way of being.  For others, it goes entirely against their nature.  I believe that for most of us, the potential for happiness is there, we just need to work at it on a daily basis.   

DAY 60 - BODY IMAGE AND THE CANONS OF BEAUTY

Day 60

How many times have I heard girlfriends proclaim that they would have loved to live in the 17^th Century, when plump women were idealized?  Throughout history, the canons of beauty have evolved tremendously, making people adopt different eating habits, make-up techniques, wigs and haircut styles.  Fashion has been dictating people’s behavior for centuries.  However, with the arrival of modern communication, the world entered an era where the canons of beauty have become more and more specific and widespread.

The venerated ideal body has had perverse effects on the human psyche.  In fact, a recent study conducted amongst teenagers has shown that body image has an impact on happiness in girls as young as 10-11 years old.  There is something seriously wrong about little girls caring about their physical appearance instead of playing. 

Media, the fashion industry and the star system bombard us with images of happy healthy slender people.  No wonder we believe that resembling these icons will guarantee us of eternal joy.  We fail to forget that these people earn their livelihood with their appearance and that, for commercial purposes, technology plays a big role in making them look perfect.

We are nevertheless left with an ideal that is nearly impossible to attain.  How many plastic surgeries will people be willing to undertake in order to get as close as possible to that ideal? How many diets will people put their body through in hope of achieving that perfect body?

Human beings have been compromising their mental and physical health for centuries to try to get closer to the image they have of ideal beauty, thinking it would lead them to happiness.  Does it really?   The problem is not the desire one has to get in shape or to be healthy, it is the negative perception we have of ourselves, and the feeling of inadequacy this perception generates.

In the end, we need to focus on getting healthier. Health and happiness are intimately linked.  And, in general, when you feel good, the energy you project is positive and you glow with a beauty that no artificial makeover could ever give you.   

  

DAY 59 - OLD FRIENDS

Day 59 


Yesterday, an old friend of mine came over for coffee.  When we were teenagers, we were best friends. We used to spend hours philosophizing, analyzing life and discovering all the facets of our identity.  The teenage years are so important in terms of self-discovery.  Friends are an essential part of that period of exploration.

He settled down very young.  By the age of 24 years old, he had already had his first child. From that moment on, our encounters were sporadic.   Once a year, we would phone each other to get some news.  In the past 10 years, I have been invited to attend his art openings.  He is a painter who is struggling, but slowly succeeding in making a living from his art.

In the past year, he has gone through several life changes.  When I went to his yearly art exhibit in June, he was distraught.  He told me that he had been going through a rough time in the past couple of months.  Since then, we’ve reconnected.  I feel like we’ll be seeing each other much more frequently than we have in the past 20 years.

As I was discussing with him yesterday afternoon, I realized that somehow, time hadn’t changed our friendship.  We both evolved and changed in some ways, but our interaction was so familiar.  Right away, our conversation dove into the depth of philosophy and spirituality.

When he left, I started thinking about old friendships.  So many people pass through our lives, impacting it in various ways.  What I have realized is that if the connection with a person was profound, it tends to remain the same, transcending time and space.

It was such an agreeable hour.  And as he left, I thought of another old friend I’ve been sporadically keeping in touch with.  I took the phone and called her up! 

Not everyone has good memories of childhood friendships or is in the mood to reconnect with people in their past.  Some people prefer burying that period of  their life, deeming that the past should remain in the past.  I don’t think friendships that didn’t impact your life positively should be revitalized, but sometimes life parts us from people we really felt connected with and in that case, a little effort on our part could make us reestablish a relationship that never really died and brought us a lot of joy.

DAY 58 - FEELING GUILTY

Day 58

Egyptians, as many immigrants, start instilling feelings of guilt in their children as soon as they’re born.  “Why do you keep mamma awake all night?”  You have to understand that it is not malicious.  It is mostly unconscious. 

Both my parents, both my brothers and I can all easily be manipulated when someone uses that strategy to obtain a favor.   We also use it to get what we want.  So, I guess now, our secret is out!  Growing up, I swore to myself I would never make my children feel guilty; it hasn't been as easy as I thought.  

Why are we afflicted by such a feeling?  Many situations can trigger it.  We can feel guilty when we set goals or make resolutions, and we don’t follow through.  For instance, if you’ve been trying to lose weight and you get tempted by a piece of chocolate cake or you've decided to start working out and you don't go to the gym for a week;  in those cases, you might beat yourself up over your lack of commitment and feel guilty about it.

We can also have that feeling when we react to a situation without thinking about it and we realize that our reaction was inappropriate and maybe has hurt someone.  So many times, I blurt things out without thinking about it and then try to swim backwards to rectify the situation only to find myself more deeply engulfed in my mistake.  

That feeling occurs as well when we make decisions that we are in peace with, but that generate negative reactions.  For instance, when a friend has tickets for you to go to a rock concert and is disappointed because you choose to stay home with your partner and watch a movie instead.  

Feeling guilty is like many other negative feelings, it is anti-productive and brings about unhappiness. In the end, there is no need to torture yourself with guilt feelings.  Whatever the situation, don't judge yourself, it serves no one, especially not you. If you can fix the situation, just do it;  if you can’t, let it go!  

DAY 57 - THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

Day 57

The law of attraction stipulates that if you really believe something is going to happen to you and you visualize it as being part of your life, it will.  The best-selling book “The Secret” proclaims that abiding by this law is sure to bring you everything your heart desires, as magical as it may sound.   If things were that simple, we would probably all be rich and famous.

I’m not denying the fact that there is some truth in the law of attraction.  I have noticed in my life that when I’m feeling good and happy, good things seem to happen and inversely, when I’m feeling crabby, things don’t seem to be running quite as smoothly. 

In fact, the idea behind the law of attraction is good.  Positive thinking and optimism, which are at the basis of that law, have been linked to happiness.   If you always see the bright side of life, you will be able to enjoy yourself and overcome hurdles no matter your circumstances.

Also, when you’re happy, you tend to become aware of opportunities.  You have more energy to work towards achieving your goals because you feel optimistic about the fact that they will lead you somewhere.  As a result, you work with more determination and conviction and are therefore more likely to succeed.

There are many benefits to looking at life with optimism; the hard part is finding ways to really control your mind so that you are actually able to adopt and maintain that attitude even when things don’t seem to be going your way.

Psychologists have been using the positive thinking approach for years because it works.  It is not a miraculous esoteric belief, it is quite concrete.    And, if you sit down every day and visualize yourself as a millionaire but you don’t look for a job, and sit on your buttock all day waiting for the million to miraculously appear on your lap from the depth of the universe, you will be waiting for a long time.  

Positive thinking and visualization can help you become happier, but it is not the only element necessary to achieve your goals. You also need to do some legwork! 

That being said, I will now close my eyes and visualize myself on a nice white sandy beach, breathing sea air and watching seagulls fly over a turquoise sea!  If I don’t get to go there in a near future, at least I will have traveled there in my imagination.

DAY 56 - INTERNATIONAL CUISINE NIGHT

Day 56

My friend Donna has wanted to start an International Cuisine Night for 6 months.  Her idea was to create a bi-monthly gathering with friends, where a country would be chosen and every guest would bring a dish to share with the others.

On Thursday morning, I finally got the e-mail I had been waiting for.  On Friday night, Donna was organizing the first of a series of International Cuisine Nights and the first theme was the Middle East.  Right up my alley!   The challenge was trying to find time to cook something in such short notice and with such an incredibly busy schedule.  We ended up preparing a Middle Eastern salad and brought appetizers that we found at a local Middle Eastern supermarket.

The evening had us taste different food, exchange recipes and enjoy good company.  It was quite simple, yet it brought us all a little piece of happiness.

Sometimes, the idea of organizing an evening crosses our mind, but we stop ourselves because it feels like it requires so much effort.  We also have a hard time looking at things outside of the box.  You don’t have to be cooking up a storm when you invite people over.  You can share the responsibility.  You can even order food, if it pleases you.  What matters is creating opportunities where you can enjoy the company of people you love.

Implementing a recurring event is probably the best way to go about it, since it forces you to meet with your friends regularly.   It could be a game night, a movie night or any other kind of activity you enjoy.  It could even be Sunday afternoon tea, if you don’t like to stay up late.  The possibilities are really endless.  It’s really only a matter of taking action by sending out the e-mail!  And,  that simple gesture could potentially bring you a ton of joy!

DAY 55 - WAKING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

Day 55 

Some days, you wake up and things just don’t look all that bright.  Yesterday, that is exactly what happened to me.  First, we were a little late on our morning routine.  We began the day hurrying up to try to bring the girls to school on time, getting upset at them for their lack of speed and cooperation, inflicting our own stress on them, feeling bad about it but doing it anyway. They made it on time, I didn’t.  I was giving an information session for the English immersion class I give and I was late because I was stuck in endless traffic.

The day just seemed to bring on more and more problems, people parading in and out of my office, complaining or simply bringing on issues that needed to be resolved on the spot.  The phone kept ringing with demands from unemployment insurance  agents who needed to talk about one of their clients who is following one of our classes.   And, in the middle of all that mayhem,  my desk, covered with  paperwork needing to be filed and organized.  I had hoped I could clear it out before the end of the day; I had no luck on that front.

Although, I remained calm for most of the day, when I arrived home, I was in a very crabby mood.  At the same time, I was contemplating about everything that had happened during the day, almost laughing  in disbelief. Thank god I didn’t burn dinner, drop a plate or cut myself while preparing the meal.  The rest of the evening was very peaceful.

Some days, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed….  Everything just seems to go wrong.  All through the day, I was repeating to myself: “This day will end, as they all do.”  That’s the beauty about bad days, you know that they will eventually come to an end! 

Before I went to bed, as per usual, I meditated.  At the end of my meditation, I always thank the universe for all that I am blessed with.  Yesterday, I thanked the universe that the day was over and that I would have the opportunity to start a brand new happier day at the end of the restful night that was about to follow.  

DAY 54 - SINGING IT OUT

Day 54

My passion for singing probably began when I was around two years old.  During our long drives to the southern United States for our summer vacation, I would pester my father to sing in the car to pass the time.  My father used to be a boy scout so, when we were young, he taught us zillions of songs that we would sing in the car, during those ever-lasting summer road trips or, occasionally, around campfires.

I learned piano and guitar as a child.  Both those instruments only served as background music for me to express my true passion, which was singing.  I never became a very good pianist or guitar player.  At the age of 23, I finally decided to take some singing lessons in a music school.  I started writing music with my teacher and recorded some songs on a demo tape that is now collecting dust.

Later on, I  joined the People’s Gospel Choir of Montreal.  I had the opportunity to perform with great artists in wonderful venues.  When I left the Choir, I formed an a capella quintet with other former members of the Choir.  We were together for five years.  We played around Montreal, especially for fundraisers.  In 2001, I gave birth to my first daughter.  I kept singing a little but, with my new life, I found it hard to juggle my role as a mom with my passion.  When one of our members passed away unexpectedly in 2002, no one in the group was up to singing anymore.  We tried to keep it going, but Beverly, our vocal base but also spiritual base, had disappeared and it was no longer possible for “Diviners”, my quintet, to survive.

I haven’t sung in almost 10 years.  Yet, it is a passion that is still very much alive.  Last Friday, on the last day of class for my fall group, my students asked me to sing for them.  I chose to sing Amazing Grace.  As I was singing, I felt an immense joy, as though I was bringing back to life an old friend.  It was a wonderful sensation.

Life sometimes brings us far from our passions.  I used to love singing, just for the sake of it.  Since I have children, I have somehow buried this passion.  The truth is keeping our passions alive can help us transcend all our negative emotions and experiences.  I don’t know how I will reintegrate singing back into my life, all I know is that, in my pursuit of happiness, I need to revitalize it.

DAY 53 - BUDDHA

Day 53

The other day, I was eating at an Indian restaurant. Right in front of me, there was a statue of Buddha, looking down with a half smile and a peaceful air. As I looked at him, I thought: “This is how I would like to feel at all times: happy and at peace”.

Nobody knows exactly when Buddha was born. According to historians, it is somewhere between 600 BC and 400BC. He lived until the age of 80. As many religious leaders, many miraculous events surround his birth. It is said that he was born from his mother’s side without causing her any pain. When he was born, he took seven steps and declared he was going to be the chief of the world and that he was living his last reincarnation.

He was born into royalty and was given the name Siddhartha: "he who achieves his aim". Astrologers predicted that the newborn would either become a great king or a great holy man. To prevent his son from becoming a holy man, Siddhartha’s father sheltered him from the harsh realities of life: death, old age and poverty.

At the age of twenty-nine, despite his father’s efforts to keep him away from these sufferings, Buddha saw an old man, a diseased man, a decaying corpse, and an ascetic, a man who had renounced all worldly pleasures, with the aim of pursuing spiritual goals. He decided to become an ascetic himself.

As he traveled around the countryside, he encountered and learned from many spiritual teachers. He deprived himself of all worldly pleasures, including food, in search for the Truth. When he almost drowned in a river from weakness, he decided that he was on the wrong path. He began eating again.

After his near death experience, he sat under a Bodhi tree and vowed that he would not leave that spot until he had found the Truth. After 49 days of meditation, he achieved Enlightenment. For the next 45 years, he went on to preach his findings throughout the countryside. He had many followers, and is said to have performed miracles and have had superhuman powers. (Sounds familiar?)

Buddha never viewed himself as a divinity, but he did ask his disciples to go on and preach his teachings (Dharma). Buddhism is said to lead to true happiness. It is based on four Noble Truths.

First Noble Truth
The First Noble Truth stipulates that it is an irrefutable fact that life can cause suffering, through death, disease, loneliness, etc.

Second Noble Truth
Suffering is caused by cravings and attachment. We have such high expectations of life, we crave and desire so much that when we don’t get what we want or we lose what we had, we suffer.

Third Noble Truth
Happiness is attainable. It is possible to overcome suffering by giving up useless cravings and by living each day at a time, forgetting the past and any imagined future. We can then become happy and free.

Fourth Noble Truth
The fourth truth is that the Noble 8-fold Path is the path that leads to the end of suffering.

The Noble 8-Fold Path


In summary, the Noble 8-fold Path is morality and virtue (didn’t Aristotle also think that?), meditation and mindfulness, and developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.

There are many other beliefs in Buddhism. But the map to happiness generally follows that direction. It requires rigorous discipline, devotion and conviction to develop mind control and detachment. And one might not have the strength or desire to follow all the precepts of Buddhism. However, it is undeniable that Buddha’s teachings are valuable and empowering and that by applying just a tiny part of these spiritual guidelines, one can find ways to appease the pain inherent to life’s journey.
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.” Buddha

DAY 52 - ENVY, A DEADLY SIN

DAY 52

Every one has, at one point or another, envied a friend, a family member, a colleague or an acquaintance. Why are we sometimes afflicted by such negative feelings? We probably believe that some parts of our lives lack in meaning and, by comparing ourselves with others, we emphasise that feeling.

Although, the grass might seem greener on your neighbor’s lawn, the truth is, you don’t know what kind of chemical he’s using to make it look so green. Appearances can be deceiving!

Success, in my view, cannot be assessed in terms of professional, social, financial or relational accomplishments, but rather in the ability to find joy and satisfaction in whatever we possess and accomplish. So many wealthy, famous, professionally successful people are unhappy.

Most of us spend our time looking for ways to improve our lives. When we are comparing ourselves with others, we are doing the exact opposite. By focusing on what is missing for our happiness and envying those who are able to enjoy it, we are wasting precious energy that could be used to work toward achieving our own goals.

In Catholic religion, envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. If there is a punishment for such a feeling, it is one that we inflict on ourselves. Envying others generates a lot of inner turmoil and suffering; it is definitely not recommended for those trying to find their way toward happiness.

DAY 51 - AN ESOTERIC EXPERIENCE

Day 51

Last Thursday, I was invited by a colleague to go to her astrology class. They needed volunteers for a birth chart analysis. So, out of curiosity, I decided to go. I arrived earlier than her, so I sat down and listened to the conversations that were going on.

As one would expect, they were discussing esoteric phenomena. They all had my birth chart in front of them, ready to dissect me. One woman looked at me and said: “ You know, as I was looking at your birth chart, I saw right away that you are a reincarnation of an Egyptian Priestess”. Yes! This is what I want to hear! I always knew I had some kind of Royal blood! I’m not only the Queen of Procrastination after all!

I have to admit that I was very skeptical about what they were going to tell me. As the night progressed though, I realized that I was not only enjoying the experience because of the entertainment it provided me, but also because what they saw ”written” on my birth chart was quite accurate and specific.

Astrology was born in Babylonia almost 4000 years ago. It traveled through India, Greece, Egypt and has made its way to the modern era. Initially, it was considered a science. Many prominent thinkers, philosophers and scientists, such as Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, Johannes Kepler and Carl Jung practiced or significantly contributed to astrology.

Now, it has become a pseudo-science, an esoteric belief that scientists often view as eccentric. The writers of the daily horoscopes are far from helping the image of astrology with their predictions: “Today, you will encounter obstacles that you will have to overcome”. Who doesn’t encounter obstacles in a day that are inevitably overcome?

Yesterday’s analysis didn’t sound like that at all. I don’t know if I completely believe in it. I am still rather skeptical, but what they told me wouldn’t have applied to my husband, had it been his birth chart they were analyzing!

I had so much fun listening to them and I wondered where this pleasure came from. I guess we all enjoy having people tell us how we are. It boosts up our ego, especially if we are given qualities we value:
-You’re a very creative person. You are generous. You have charisma.
- Oh thank you, where do you see that? What else do you see?

We know ourselves better than anyone else, yet whether a friend, a palm-reader, an astrologer or any other person describes our personality, we enjoy it. I remember those tests that asked your favorite color, or your favorite animal in order to tell you how you were or how you viewed life. I used to love them. I guess having people validate our own hopes and thoughts about ourselves, is a source of happiness. The question is, is it a happiness we should seek or is it somehow the expression of a profound need for recognition?

DAY 50 - EATING MINDFULLY

Day 50

Eating is definitely one of the pleasures of life. I believe that the hedonic aspect of it is desirable. There is nothing more enjoyable than to sit down and eat food that stimulates your taste buds. I’ve gone through several diets in my life and I remember, in some cases, looking at the food I was going to eat with frustration. That is no way of living your life.

The problem is that we eat (or overeat) mindlessly. How many of us actually think of the flavors in our mouth when we are eating and chewing? How many of us truly feel the pleasurable sensation of eating? As I was walking toward my office to write this post, I saw a piece of leftover grilled cheese on the counter. I simply took it and started eating it on the way. In less than two seconds, it was gulped down. It disappeared without anybody, not even myself, taking note of its pathway through my taste buds into my stomach. What a shame! Was I even hungry? Not really!

I’m a rather healthy eater. Unfortunately, like most people, I have the tendency of eating mindlessly. Sometimes, I’ll be eating while working or even driving. In that case, my mind is definitely wandering in other directions. This act of mindless eating has several negative consequences. First, it puts you in an automatic-pilot state that prevents you from hearing the message of satiety sent by your brain. It also keeps you from truly delighting yourself in the pleasures provided by the food you’re eating. Finally, it removes all aspects of the ritual associated with eating.

In our fast-paced society, eating has been relegated to a secondary activity that sometimes conflicts with our busy lives. Taking the time to eat tasty, but nevertheless healthy food mindfully and happily, not only at dinnertime, but throughout the day, can help include happy moments in our day and have long-lasting beneficial effects on our mental and physical health. It’s all a question of practice and discipline, once again!

DAY 49 - SELF-PERCEPTION AND HAPPINESS

Day 49

You gotta love yourself! This self-esteem issue is a biggie! People who have a negative perception of themselves tend to blame it on their education, their up-bringing or their past experiences. Although, it is absolutely undeniable that the way your parents, your siblings, your schoolmates and your teachers behaved towards you has had a big impact on who you’ve become, it is anti-productive, unhelpful and undesirable to dwell on it.

The question is, now that you know the origin of that feeling, what are you going to do about it. I’ve had a pretty sheltered life. But all the same, I have suffered insecurities and I could probably pinpoint the situations and people who triggered it. Once I have identified the source, I’m still stuck with the problem.

Many choices lie ahead of me. I could opt for self-destructive behaviours, for instance, by indulging in drugs, alcohol, food or sex. I can decide to spend my life justifying my negative attitude toward life by blaming all the people who have impacted it in a pejorative way. I can also choose to look at the past so I can learn from it and every day take one or several steps to better my self-image, allowing the occasional drawback.

Being a victim of your negative past experiences does nothing in terms of improving your present life. By focusing on positive accomplishments, whether big or small, past and present and making sure you battle and refuse access to all negative thoughts about yourself, an improved self-perception will emerge and make way to an increased feeling of well-being!

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

DAY 48 - ARISTOTLE AND HAPPINESS

Day 48

Aristotle is considered one of the most influential Greek philosophers. He lived from 384 BC to 322 BC. He was a student of Plato’s and a teacher of Alexander the Great.

Aristotle viewed “eudaimonia” which is roughly translated by happiness or human flourishing, as a central purpose of human life and a goal in itself: “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence. » He did not perceive it as being something you could gain or lose in a few hours, such as wealth, fame or honor, nor something that knowledge could give you, since even individuals who acquire material goods or achieve intellectual knowledge may not be happy.

He argued that in order to live well and be happy, human beings had to abide by moral virtue. Moral virtue, he thought, is living a life of moderation, staying away from the vices of excess or deficiency; for example showing courage instead of recklessness or cowardice.

According to Aristotle, we are not born with virtue, it comes with training and habit. He thought we should live in conformity with our rational nature, which would help us in our quest for virtue. He argued that virtuous adults display courage, temperance, friendship, justice and wisdom. These genuinely good qualities, when cultivated, would allow the attainment of the full potential and lead the soul to flourish. As a result, happiness would be attained.

For Aristotle, happiness was an activity of the soul expressing genuine virtue and excellence. Although, he thought that a minimum of comfort was desirable, he argued that happiness came from the virtuous character traits that defined the individual, rather than the acquisition of any material good or the fulfillment of any desire. He believed that being happy, in fact, was being the best that you can be. I think I’ll abide by that! “For what is the best choice, for each individual is the highest it is possible for him to achieve."

DAY 47 - EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND CONNECTION

Day 47

Human beings are fundamentally social beings. Material things can bring us a certain degree of immediate happiness, however to get a deeper sense of contentment, connecting with people on an emotional level is essential.

Throughout the day, most of us are around people; especially if we work outside our home. But a majority of these social interactions tend to be superficial. Having friends and family members with whom we can be authentic can provide us with a sense of belonging and general feeling of well-being.

I find it very interesting to observe how sociability works. I have friends who are fun and great to be around, but who will never open up or talk about their feelings. The image people project sometimes has nothing to do with their innermost self. We have all witnessed the sad clown syndrome. People who always show a happy and joyful front but are miserably unhappy.

Being able to show people you trust an unbridled uncensored version of who you really are may be a little scary, but, in turn, it can help create a mutual supportive relationship. The fact is, a majority of us have difficulty practicing openness. We’re simply not used to using words to express our emotions. We’re all caught up in automatic-pilot responses. When someone asks us how we’re feeling, we automatically answer “well”, without even taking the time to examine our state of mind.

We tend to suppress our feelings, refrain from confronting them, or even admitting them to ourselves. Sometimes, we will open up to a therapist. The problem is, the connection with a therapist is not emotional, but professional. We’re so scared of being judged that we prefer confiding our deepest fears to a stranger rather than taking the risk of becoming vulnerable and opening up to our friends.

I’m not suggesting we should all go around divulging our life story to the first in line. But to add meaning to our closest relationships and get a deeper sense of connection, we need to be authentic, even if it means becoming vulnerable. And in the middle of this newly acquired sense of intimacy, a true comforting feeling of mutual support and bond is likely to emerge.

“Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.” H.H. The Dalai Lama

DAY 46 - PROCRASTINATION

Day 46

I have already mentioned it in a previous post, I am the queen of procrastination. Is being that way a hindrance to my happiness? It probably is. Contrarily to my husband or anyone who is not afflicted by this terrible syndrome, every day, thoughts of undone business erupt in my brain out of nowhere and, although unwelcome, move in and disturb my peace of mind.

I sometimes wish I could use a trap or any other extermination means to eradicate these thoughts. Unfortunately, as most vermin does, they keep crawling back and harass me.

Doctor’s and dentist appointments, e-mail replies, phone call returns, driver’s license renewal, anything which is not detrimental to my survival, can be placed on the back burner for a while until the fire squad rushes in to unkindly remind me I should get a move on it. The fire squad can take many forms, from my own conscience to my husband’s nagging or a police warning.

I have been postponing consulting a naturopath for 10 years, I have been wanting to buy an acai berry supplement for two years. (Acai berries are said to be a miracle food, containing an important amount of antioxidants and many health benefits). I have wanted to take an appointment with the doctor and the dentist for six months.

Most procrastination sufferers tend to avoid to-do lists. I, for instance, rely on my distracted brain to remind me of my obligations. It doesn’t work. An agenda is an essential tool if you want to get rid of eternal postponing.

Non -procrastinators can’t understand procrastinators. The other day, I was talking about it with my friend Christina who just said: “I don’t understand, when I have something to do or someone to call, I just get it done. Why would I postpone it.” Well, just because…you have other things to do, and you don’t really feel like it and it requires an effort, and I don’t know why? I know procrastinators understand what I’m talking about.

Today, I bought a new agenda. It is not so pretty, but it is small and very practical: all the days of the year are written in it! I’ve already listed some of the things I will accomplish this week and next week. If I’m able to keep it up, I’m sure I will succeed in exterminating this unwanted vermin from my life.

DAY 45 - OTTO DIX AND USING ART AS AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET

Day 45

Today, I went to the Fine Arts Museum in Montreal to see an exhibit on some of Otto Dix’s paintings. Otto Dix is a German painter who lived during the first part of the 20th Century. His early work depicts the horrors he saw during World War I and upon his return from this traumatic experience. Wounded soldiers, raped women, prostitution, depravation, legless and disfigured veterans, abandoned children, death, were all amongst the topics evoked by the pieces of art that were exhibited.

His work disturbed me tremendously and I came back home questioning art and its purpose. Throughout the ages, art has served different objectives. It has been used to communicate messages to the illiterate, to preach Christian beliefs, as a propaganda tool, to represent reality, to give a subjective version of reality, etc.

Yet, from an amateur’s perspective, the most widely considered element remains aesthetics. When we look at a painting, we, non-specialists, primarily evaluate it in terms of the visual pleasure it provides. In the case of Otto Dix, one can definitely argue the beauty of the paintings. However, there is a message and from a historical viewpoint, a statement on horrors that took place during and after World War I.

Art can serve as a medium to depict a period in time, not with words, but with images. In that case, it is not the aesthetic aspect that is important, but rather the underlying historical message it holds.

For Otto Dix though, these works of arts probably helped him overcome the pain and suffering he had gone through during the war. He had the talent to visually express the demons that inhabited him through brush strokes and color. Art served as an emotional outlet.

Some people will write poetry, others will cry, some will compose music or simply write a diary. There is no good or bad way of expressing suffering; but finding an outlet and walking free of the burden of grief could definitely make a difference when it comes to the pursuit of happiness.

DAY 44 -HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Day 44

I love Halloween. I always have. When I was young, you couldn’t find already-made costumes (or my parents didn’t buy me any), so I always got dressed as a magician. My brother had a magic set. Along with it came a magician hat and cape. Every Halloween, I would dust it out and put the costume on. My cousin did the Halloween run with me. He always got dressed as an Arab, only using a white sheet and some sort of rope he tied around his head.

We each had our Halloween outfit. Year after year, we would be the magician and Arab walking down the street together going to the same houses, with the same costume, only a year older. Some of our little neighbors had moms who would sow them a new costume each year; they would give out goodie bags; they would have elaborate decorations.

Our parents were Egyptians. Halloween was not part of our tradition. So, although they bought stuff to give out to the kids (mostly peanuts and caramel), there was no extra time spent on organizing anything for that day.

We didn’t care, though. Really, all we wanted was to go out from door to door and get goody after goody! After I would get back home, I would empty my bag on my bed and marvel at my treasures… I never got an apple; I would have thrown it out anyway because in case there would be razor blade hidden in it!! (What a great urban legend!) Chocolate bars, chips and chewing gum were my favorite treats. I would eat my candy slowly, a little bit at a time, making my brothers jealous in the spring, when they would discover I still had some of my loot!

Today, I still love celebrating Halloween. Every Halloween, my husband and I dress up as Hippies. We wear the same outfit every year… I guess things haven’t changed that much. My children choose a new costume each year. Unfortunately, I am not the crafty type who could create a coca-cola bottle or a popcorn bag with recycled material, so we go to the local store and choose already-made costumes. I wish I was able to create my kids' costumes, I could save a lot of money!

Throughout the years, although it has become more commercial, the spirit of Halloween hasn't changed much. My children have the same sparkly eyes I had on Halloween night. They don’t walk door to door, they run! And after we return home, we all look at their treats with delightful joy and start talking about the following year’s costumes! And that is exactly what we did last night!

Happy Halloween