DAY 231 - TALK ABOUT WHAT MATTERS, BE HAPPIER!

Day 231

I've always enjoyed idle chit chat.  Especially when it's done with people who have a great sense of humour... I'm not refering to conversations about the weather, which I find extremely boring (although, I must admit I often have them when I don't have anything else to say to a person I meet by chance), but rather to conversations about every day life (cooking, shopping, etc.).

However, I still prefer  having deep meaningful conversations! I look for them; I initiate them in my classroom; I create them with my friends by asking questions and making statements....  It stimulates me and really gives me a sense of fulfillment.  Especially conversations that involve my thinking abilities as well as my emotional input.  That's probably why the topic of happiness interests me so much.  I'm not a pure intellectual and when conversations fly to high, in a cerebral way, I get bored!

A study that was conducted in 2010 by Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona showed that meaningful conversations lead to a happier state of mind.  For the study, the researchers recorded four days of conversations in 79 participants and evaluated the depth level of their content.  They concluded that people who partook in social interactions, whether it was through shallow or deep conversations, were happier than those who spent a lot of time alone.  They also noticed that people who were engaging in deeper conversations reported feeling happier than those engaged in idle talk.

It is a know fact that connecting with people is an essential part of happiness.  Obviously,  talking about the weather with someone is far from being conducive to the development of a solid relationship. You're just filling up the air with words, without any type of emotional involvement.  On the other hand, if you share your deepest beliefs and thoughts, you are letting the other person have access to a part of who you are and you are more likely to get a sense of closeness, of connection.

Some people talk a lot, but don't reveal much of themselves.  Maybe behind this sociable appearance, they feel really lonely, like they're not really connecting with anyone.  Idle talk is great...but it has to be mixed with more meaningful conversations in order for it to become something that gives you a sense of fulfillment and helps you develop true deep relationships.

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DAY 230 - WRITING A LETTER OF GRATITUDE!

Day 230

Last week, I received a letter from a former student.  She followed the English immersion course about a year ago and she wanted to let me know how she was doing.  She  also mentioned that she really wanted to thank me for helping her move forward in her English learning process.

I was extremely touched by her letter and I thought about the fact that there are so many people I too should take the time to thank!

So, I started with my friend Donna. On Saturday, as I was talking to her, I told her how grateful I was that she created this blog for me.  Without her, I would have never done it!  I told her I would write her a letter about it, but then I just spilled out everything I would have wanted to say in that letter.  So much, that at the end of my speech, she asked me jokingly if I intended on committing suicide soon!!!!

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a positive psychologist working at the University of California, Riverside actually conducted a study on the positive effect of being grateful and expressing it.

Some study participants were asked to write letters of gratitude to people who had helped them in some way. The study found that these people reported a lasting increase in happiness  (over weeks and even months) after implementing that habit. Surprisingly, they found that even those who only wrote but didn't send the letters felt better afterwards.

So many people impact your life in a positive way, but they are often not aware of it! It could be close friends or a former teacher, but it could also be someone who briefly passed though your life leaving a lasting mark... one that you carry with you and that has somehow helped mould who you are!

So, I've decided, I'm taking out my 1992 flowery writing paper and I will start thanking those I have never had the chance to thank!

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DAY 229 - DO YOU SUFFER FROM EUSTRESS OR DISTRESS?

DAY 229

When people hear the word stress, they automatically think about all the negative connotations.  It is true that stress is said to have numerous damageable effects on mental and physical health.  But did you know that there is such a thing called positive stress?  

Hans Selye, a Canadian endocrinologist of Austro-Hungarian origin, spent his professional career studying stressors.  He is said to have been the first one to use the word stress in a biological context. He developed the theory that stress is a major cause of disease because chronic stress causes long-term chemical changes.

In 1975, Selye came up with a theory that divided stress in two: good stress, which he called eustress and bad stress, which he called distress.  He believed that distress could lead to anxiety or withdrawal (depression) behaviour. And that, in contrast, eustress could actually have positive effects on health by giving people a sense of fulfillment or other positive feelings.

Most of us are able to unconsciously distinguish eustress from distress.  When you are confronted with a situation and you feel you are not equipped to deal with it, that you are overwhelmed, the negative effect of stress on your mental and physical health becomes noticeable. You may feel you have lost control of the situation and your body reacts.

On the other hand, positive stress can act as a driving force in achieving your goals.  It could give you a sense of fulfilment, the zest that you need in order to go forward with your projects.  It could even increase your productivity.

I remember when I was in university, I needed to feel a little bit of pressure to start working on my papers.  Without it, I didn't feel very motivated.  Some people need that extra boost to start being in motion.  It creates a sense of excitement! With that kind of stress (eustress), you are in complete control of the situation.

So next time you feel stressed, think about turning that feeling into a positive experience by mentally taking control of the situation.  Because in the end, eustress or distress are both created by events but are found in an interpretation of reality, and that is something you can control!

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DAY 228 - HAPPINESS VOX POP - ANNA MARTINEZ: MOTHER, PARTNER, TEACHER, DOG GROOMER

Day 228 

I am a mother, partner, daughter, teacher, friend, housekeeper, gardener, nurse, dog groomer, and driver… I am one of the many superwomen who are out there. I grew up in the suburbs in a very nice and clean neighborhood. I come from a traditional Spanish family. Growing up, I was influenced by both Spanish and Québécois culture. I think I am a successful product of multiculturalism.

What is happiness for you?

I see happiness on two levels. First, there is the underlying sense of happiness which I see as a general positive outlook on life, believing that things will turn out for the best. I also see happiness as special moments in one’s life: talking with friends, practicing a sport, having supper with your partner, watching your children play sports… the possibilities are endless.

Has your profession impacted your level and your vision of happiness? If yes, how?

My profession gives me a great sense of accomplishment and purpose. I teach young adults who need and want to finish their high school. Throughout their academic life, my students have been faced with failure. Here, they have the possibility to overcome difficulties and realize that they can succeed. My job contributes to my happiness by allowing me to make a difference in people’s lives.

Has your vision of happiness greatly changed through time?

As I’m getting older, I have the impression that I have a broader perspective on life. Things are not as black and white as before. In that respect, my understanding of happiness as well as other emotions has changed. Also, what made me happy 20 years ago does not necessarily make me happy now, and vice a versa.  Going to bed at 10 o’clock on a Saturday night with a good book after a hot bath was not in the top ten in my twenties, but now it could be bliss…

Do you believe you have control on your level of happiness?

Yes, I have control on the way I look at things. It’s a matter of making choices, as hard as they may be. I don’t always make the right choices, but I know that it’s up to me if I want to be happy.

What do you do to change your mood when you’re feeling sad?

I don’t think I try to change my mood. If I am sad, it’s for a reason. I try to figure out the cause and act accordingly whether by talking about it or having a good cry. Sometimes, understanding the root of a negative emotion is enough to make it go away.

On the whole, would you say you are a happy person?

Yes, I strive at being happy. It’s a work in process.

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DAY 227 - STEPPING AWAY FROM CONVENTIONAL THINKING

Day 227

I've always been fascinated with sentences such as : "They say that premature children are more likely to suffer from depression".  Who says that?  Who are THEY?  So many times, we will use those kinds of  sentences, not really knowing who came up with the idea in the first place.  That's because so many of our beliefs have been instilled since childhood and have become so ingrained that we wouldn't dare question them.

One of my students has been repeating for the past 15 weeks that he doesn't believe in love.  He argues that human beings use this supposedly altruistic word to describe a very selfish emotion.  He doesn't think that there is such a thing as unconditional love.   We give it, so we can receive it.  Therefore what we deem as being a feeling that links us to others is only a reflection of our own desire.

That student doesn't take anything at face value  He wonders, questions and comes up with his own original theories, no matter the topic.   Sometimes I'll agree with him, sometimes I won't, but there is definitely something that can be learned from that type of thinking process.

If you always follow conventions and think within the box, you will end up leading a conventional life, which is all right if that is what you willingly choose.  But if your ambition is to live life to its fullest, you need to learn to go beyond conventions; you need to have the courage to navigate in unknown waters.  And that starts with the questioning of your sets of beliefs and the development of a critical mind.

It is rather scary to step away from conventional thinking...and conventional doing!  But, I believe it is the only way to maximize your life experience.  If you keep in mind that you only have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation, of course), then why not try to make it the best you can, by surpassing what is expected of you and setting off to explore what you could have never dreamed of exploring!

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DAY 226 - THE CONQUEST OF HAPPINESS

Day 226

Bertrand Russell (1872-1930) was a philosopher and mathematician.  During the course of his life, he wrote many books. Amongst others, The Conquest of Happiness (1930), in which he describes what is necessary to be happy.   He divides his book in two.  In the first part, he focuses on what makes people unhappy and in the second part, he explains what is needed to conquer happiness.

Having been written in the 1930's, his book remains relevant (besides the fact that some of his comments would clearly be viewed as sexist by today's standards).

For Russell, many elements contribute to the unhappiness of people.  Amongst which he mentions:

- competition: people feel they need to struggle in order to be the best and they get caught in the competitive treadmill.

- boredom:  Russell argues that a certain amount of boredom is to be expected and so that excitement should be sought in small doses and at the right times.

 - envy: many people suffer from it and it can create a great deal of unhappiness; one shouldn't compare himself/herself to others.

- sense of sin: obviously in that period of time, sin was a word in use, now we would maybe speak about  guilt and shame.

- persecution mania: what he means by that is an exaggerated sense of injustice, with people constantly positioning themselves as victims.

- fear of public opinion:  Russell believes people care too much about what others think about them, which causes a lot of unhappiness.

In the second part of his book, Russell talks about conquering happiness with the following:

- zest: having zest is about being open to new experiences and developing a variety of interests.

- affection: everyone needs love and affection, and Russell believes it to be an essential element to anyone's wellbeing.

- family:  developing good family relationships and especially being a good parent is of utmost importance.

- work: work, even dull work, according to Russell, tends to be better than idleness.

- impersonal interests: Russell deems important to develop a variety of interests that are not related to your field of work.

- effort and resignation: given all the problems and misfortunes that could occur in anyone's life,  to conquer happiness, you need to develop a balance between effort (using your abilities to control what you can) and resignation (accepting what you can't control).

Many of the elements that are proposed by Russell to lead a happier life were later on studied by positive psychologists and proven to be accurate.  Having interests, for instance, or avoiding comparing yourself to others have both been associated to an increase in the level of happiness.

Although there might be more recent books on happiness that take into account the reality of modern life, I really enjoyed the book.  It served as a reminder, once again, that happiness is not something you can stumble on, it is something you need to conquer and that requires work!!!

"Happiness is not, except in very rare cases, something that drops into the mouth, like a ripe fruit. Happiness must be, for most men and women, an achievement...."

"A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live."

"A life without adventure is likely to be unsatisfying, but a life in which adventure is allowed to take whatever form it will is sure to be short."

Bertrand Russell

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DAY 225 - THE MIRACLE OF LIFE

Day 225

Last week, my cousin's wife gave birth to a baby boy in their bathroom.   What a story they'll be able to tell that kid later on!  From the moment she had her first contraction until the moment the baby was born, only 45 minutes went by.  The paramedics arrived right on time to deliver.  As I was asking my cousin about how he felt, he told me he stayed very calm... I'm not surprised.  As for her, she could not have been thinking, she was in too much pain!!!!

This past weekend, I went to see the baby!  As I looked at little Adam, I thought, once again, about this miracle of life.  Because, it definitely IS a miracle.  When I had my own kids, I thought about it a lot... Two cells joining and dividing an infinite number of times to create a human being!  How fascinating is that?  I still can't wrap my brain around this marvel of nature!

With both my daughters, it really boggled me!  Initially, they were both concepts... I was pregnant and they were growing in my stomach...  It's funny how, especially with your first one, you don't really realize you're carrying a human being!  You're just pregnant and that's a state in itself.  Once in a while, you get an inside kick or a punch from little feet and hands.  But really you're only conceptualizing the fact that it is a person.  You really understand it the day the baby's born!

I remember the unutterable emotion I felt when my daughters came out!  Nothing could ever compare to that experience!  It was something surreal... magical!  You're in excruciating pain and then, all of a sudden, some wrinkled little naked person comes out of you and starts crying!  You take that cute little being in your arms and, at that point, nothing else matters!  You are experiencing the HAPPIEST moment of your life!

Until now, I cannot recall a moment in my life when I experienced as much pain and joy simultaneously!   Which proves, once again, that suffering and happiness go hand in hand... they are both an unescapable part of every human life!

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DAY 224 -TOO MANY CHOICES: ANALYSIS BY PARALYSIS

Day 224

Have you ever been in a restaurant where the menu has six pages?  I find it impossible to make a decision.  Whatever I choose, I always end up wondering if I selected the best dish.  Most of the times, my husband laughs at my selection... he believes it often turns out to be the worst thing on the menu!  I hate to admit it, but he might be right!   When there are too many options, I don't know what to have, so I resort to chicken, the safest, but most common and boring choice.

One thing is certain, our world offers people far more choice than before, no matter the field.  One hundred years ago, women, for instance, didn't have the freedom and autonomy they now enjoy.  They got married as early as they could, they had children and raised them and they managed their homes.  Their life was drawn for them the minute they were born.   When people went to the movies, there was only one movie showing!  People had no choice!   In a way, it was simpler that way!

I'm certainly not suggesting going back to that period of time.  No woman I know wants to go back to the kitchen full time and have a life of servitude.  However, it is undeniable that this increase in freedom and choice came with a price!

In his 2004 book The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, Barry Schwartz talks about the fact that while individuals are now offered more freedom and choice, depression seems to be taking epidemic proportions.

Schwartz partly attributes that fact to the paralyzing effect of the infinite choice, which, according to him, is extremely exhausting to the human psyche.  It raises expectations (if you have many choices, one of them must be perfect) and it creates dissatisfaction (if you're buying salad dressing and you're not happy with your choice, it is easy to imagine the alternatives as being much better than your selection, so you end up unhappy about it).

Schwartz gives 11 ways to minimize stress caused by the debilitating effect of decision-making:

- choose when to choose
- be a chooser and not a picker
- satisfice more and maximize less
- think about the opportunity costs
- make decisions non reversible
- practice an attitude of gratitude
- regret less
- anticipate adaptation
- control expectations
- curtail social comparison
- learn to love constraints

I can completely relate to the fact that the abundance of choice can have a negative impact on happiness!  Probably, because it amplifies the myth that perfection exists.  We tend to believe that if there is such a wide selection, there must be a perfect choice!  The problem is there is no such a thing as the perfect job, the perfect time to have children, the perfect spouse, the perfect house or the perfect meal!  And when you take too much time to make a decision, you miss opportunities!

Analysis by paralysis.... that is what needs to be avoided when it comes to choices!   Choosing means being in motion,... but it has to be done with  no regret and no expectations!  And you always have to be ready to change direction if need be!  At least, even if you slightly change your goals, you'll always feel you're going forward!

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DAY 223 - HAPPINESS VOX POP: BENNY, 8 YEAR-OLD BOY

Day 223 


Benny is an 8 year-old boy…

What is happiness for you?

Happiness is when I’m doing something I like.   Or when I get stuff that I really, really want, like presents, or money, like a nerf gun, or pens, stuff that I like, that makes me happy.

Does going to school make you happy? 

Yes, because when I am bigger I can be smarter.  And being smarter makes me happy. 

Being 8 years old, do you think your idea of being happy is different now compared to when you were 3 years old?

Yes, because when I was 3, I didn't know what a nerf gun was.

What do you think is going to make you happy when you are an adult?

I don’t know, my family.

What do you do to change your mood when you’re feeling sad?

Yoga.  Playing with lego or playing with stuff I like.

On the whole, would you say you are a happy person?

Yes.  very very happy. Very very very happy !!

DAY 222 - CITY LIFE'S NUMBER ONE SERENITY ENEMY: HONKING

Day 222

As I was driving to my tennis lessons with Donna last night, some driver honked at me.  I wasn't doing anything wrong.  I was just letting someone cross the street.    But as the driver passed me, he looked at me with evil eyes and gave me the finger!  The middle one, on top of it!  I couldn't believe it!!!  Not to sound cynical, but what is our world coming to?

I've been stressed in a car before.  I know how it feels to be stuck in a metal box, in the middle of traffic, late for some kind of event, with a whiny kid in the back who keeps on repeating she has to go to the bathroom NOW!  Obviously, in those kinds of situation, you feel  you have no control.  And, because of this lost of control, you might be tempted to resort to honking, which helps release the tension you might be feeling!

I can't stand that noise, it really aggresses me.  Maybe, car builders should invest in trying to come up with a sound that is less aggressive and startling (although to startle is probably the objective of the feature)!  As my friend Catherine said to me, I don't think little chirping sounds would do the job!

I realize that in stressful driving conditions, it is really hard to control emotional responses.  Meditating techniques are hard to practise in a car!  I really can't imagine myself chanting a mantra in the middle of traffic!  But I do believe it is possible to equip your car with stuff that can help: relaxing or uplifting music, cds of comedians (laughter is always a good antidote to stress) or even audio books...  The idea is to get your mind off the situation and shift it to happier place!

One thing is for sure, honking doesn't get anybody anywhere faster!  I'm not underestimating the necessity of it.  In some contexts, it could save lives.  However, I believe people should try to use it with much more discernment.  It would make for a much more peaceful and serene city life!

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DAY 221 - THE UTILITARIAN VIEW OF HAPPINESS

Day 221

Utilitarianism is a school of thought developed by Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832).  Bentham described his philosophy as the "greatest happiness principle".  It was later elaborated by John Stuart Mill in a book called Utilitarianism (1863).

Utilitarians define moral obligation as being "the greatest happiness for the greatest number", which means that all our actions should take into acccount the equation between the happiness created for ourself as well as for others in relation to the pain generated by that same action.  Bentham elaborated a "hedonic calculus" to establish the happiness value of each action:

1. Intensity: How strong is the pleasure?
2. Duration: How long will the pleasure last?
3. Certainty or uncertainty: How likely or unlikely is it that the pleasure will occur?
4. Propinquity or remoteness: How soon will the pleasure occur?
5. Fecundity: The probability that the action will be followed by sensations of the same kind.
6. Purity: The probability that it will not be followed by sensations of the opposite kind.
7. Extent: How many people will be affected?

Keeping these elements in mind, Mill believes that all pleasures are not created equal.  Physical pleasures, for instance, rank lower than intellectual or even emotional pleasures, maybe because of their 'duration', 'purity' and 'extent' aspects. 

Many governments have used these ethical principle to elaborate laws and policies, especially at the end of the 19th Century. 

What I find interesting in this philosophy is that we are often confronted with dilemmas, choices when it comes to our lives.  The 'hedonic calculus' can definitely serve as a tool to evaluate decisions, not only in terms of personal, immediate gratification, but also, in terms of a wider definition happiness that includes the collective happiness generated by every single one of our actions.

"Actions are right in proportion as they tend to promote happiness, wrong as they tend to produce the reverse of happiness. By happiness is intended pleasure, and the absence of pain; by unhappiness, pain, and the privation of pleasure."


John Stuart Mill


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DAY 220 - IS ALWAYS BEING LAST MINUTE DETRIMENTAL TO HAPPINESS?

Day 220

This morning, as we often do, my husband and I woke up too late.  And, as you can imagine, not wanting our kids to arrive late to school, we stressed them out: "Come on, hurry up, get dressed, come and have breakfast, go and brush your teeth!" Obviously, when you're running late, you become more edgy, more impatient, more stressed and you inevitably take it out on everybody who happens to be in your way!!!

Tardiness seems to be a habit we have a really hard time getting rid of!  And somehow, we now have the reputation of always being late... Whenever we have a family function, my brothers and parents expect us to arrive late. Sometimes, they'll lie to us about the arrival time, just to make sure that we get there at an appropriate time!  We are pathetic!

I don't really ever arrive at work late, but I can't say I'm ahead of time either!!!  I'm always just on time!  And my colleague John just smirks at me every morning when he sees me running up the stairs and entering my classroom at 8:15am on the dot.  

I realize that always being at the last minute creates a very stressful environment and I know there are probably measures I could take in order to avoid rushing!

The problem is I tend to underestimate the time that it will take me to get ready.  I also often get sidetracked... I need focus!  Finally, I think the habit of being late goes hand in hand with my tendency to procrastinate!  For instance, I could prepare my lunch the night before instead of rushing to do it in the morning; I could prepare my clothes; I could also put the alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier!  Punctuality is not this unreachable goal entirely out of my control!  It is quite accessible.

When I was a student, I  would always write my papers at the last minute.  Was it procrastination or do I simply need to feel under pressure in order to become efficient?   I guess when you only have to deal with yourself, being last minute is fine.  But when other people are involved and you end up creating a uncomfortable atmosphere in your household because you feel rushed, then it is worthwhile to really work on changing that habit!  Because, at that point, it could become detrimental to your wellbeing as well as to those around you!

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DAY 219 - GOING ON A SHOPPING SPREE!

Day 219

Contrarily to many of my girlfriends, I am not a shopping lover.  Shopping malls full of neon lights actually get me dizzy. I also find the process of shopping rather confusing.  In our consumer's society, the selection of clothing is so wide, that finding something I like and that suits me well can take several hours... and I always get very tired and irritated in the process.

It's not that I don't enjoy acquiring new clothes.  On the contrary, I could become ecstatic once I find the perfect piece of clothing.  But in the process of finding it, I sometimes go through a range of negative emotions.

Last Thursday, I went shopping with my friend Donna.  Spring seems to be a great season to renew your wardrobe.  However, it's got its disadvantages! Often, you are carrying extra 'winter' love handles on your hips, and summer clothes, which tend to be more revealing, might not do a good job of hiding them, thus, creating negative emotions!!!!

As we were trying on millions of outfits (which is something I always do and that drives my husband crazy when I go shopping with him), I wondered why finding and buying clothes that fit well can generate such joy.  I have already written that studies have shown that it is better to spend your money on experiences rather than on material goods, if you are looking to increase your level of happiness.

However, I must confess, when I tried on that orange top and grey skirt, it made me feel happy!  I have been looking to lighten the colours of my wardrobe and that flashy orange just struck me as being exactly what I had been looking for.  Besides that outfit, I bought another outfit and two pairs of shoes... Let's say my wallet felt much lighter after that little shopping spree!

I know that the effect of those purchases are only going to be temporary.  New clothes cannot have a lasting effect on happiness.  After wearing my new outfits a couple of times, they will just become part of all the stuff I own...  But, until then, I'll enjoy the feeling I'll get every time I put them on!!!!

I hate to say it, but no matter how superficial and materialistic it sounds, I believe that wearing new clothes can have an impact on your self-confidence level!  There I said it!  And when you feel more confident... you radiate more confidence and, as a result, you may even momentarily feel a little bit happier!

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DAY 218 - THE HAPPIEST MAN ON EARTH: MATTHIEU RICARD

Day 218

Matthieu Ricard was born in France in 1946. The son of famous French Philosopher Jean-François Revel and painter Yahne Le Toumelin, he grew up amongst the French elite.  He studied biology and had a promising career when, in 1972, after completing his doctoral thesis in molecular genetics, Ricard decided to forsake his scientific career to the practice of Tibetan Buddhism. He moved to the Tibetan Himalayas and has been living there since then.  Since 1989, he has been the French interpreter for HH the Dalai Lama.

He was nicknamed "the happiest man on earth", after he participated in a study conducted by the University of Wisconsin that aimed at evaluating the level of happiness of individuals, amongst which were Buddhist monks.  The test that used 256 sensors attached to the skull, and three hours of continuous MRI scanning, showed that Ricard's happiness level was far above all other participants. That same study also proved the neuroplasticity of the brain, demonstrating that meditation can play a key role in anybody's quest for happiness, by restructuring the brain's neurons.

Ricard has written several books. Amongst others,  Happiness: A guide to developing life's most important skill,  in which he gives advice on how to live a happy life.  One of the most important aspect of his teachings is that, as you can train your body, he believes you can also train your mind. For that reason, happiness is a skill that everyone can develop.

For him, at the source of unhappiness, there are feelings of jealousy, anger, obsessive desire and arrogance.  Since all of these emotions are fleeting and transient, it is possible to prevent them from invading your mind and tormenting you.

How do you do that?  First,  by not responding to the emotion.  If you feed the emotion, it will most likely grow.  However, you cannot deny it either.  You need to look at the emotion and let it dissolve.   By repeatedly practicing that technique, he believes that negative emotions can flow through you "as a bird crosses the sky and disappears" and therefore not affect your wellbeing.

According to Ricard, behind every thought lies what he calls pure consciousness.  Through love, kindness, benevolence, selfless generosity and compassion, and obviously through the practice of meditation, it is possible to access that pure consciousness and flourish.

When speaking of happiness, Ricard refers to the Sanskrit word for this state of being: sukha.

“Sukha is the state of lasting well-being that manifests itself when we have freed ourselves of mental blindness and afflictive emotions. It is also the wisdom that allows us to see the world as it is, without veils or distortions. It is, finally, the joy of moving toward inner freedom and the loving-kindness that radiates toward others.”


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DAY 217 - TENNIS LESSONS WITH A GREEK GOD

Day 217

Yesterday, my friend Donna convinced me to register to a tennis class with her.  A year ago, I would have probably said no... But, in my quest for happiness, I've decided to take risks, try new things and be open to new experiences.  So, I said yes!

I've played a little tennis in the past.  I even took a couple of lessons once.  My husband has always loved the sport and I think he secretly hoped I would one day be good enough to give him a challenge.  He used to make fun of the way I ran on a tennis court... Let's say he though it was little bit too clumsy- looking!

For some people, all sports come naturally.  It's as though their body has the ability to quickly understand and imitate the necessary moves for a particular sport and so they can learn and progress very fast in any given sport.  They have what is called kinsesthetic intelligence. 

I've been blessed with other types of intelligence... not that one.  But still, I like hitting a ball with a racket (when I actually get to hit it) so I figured that the class would allow me to have fun with Donna two hours a week.

When we arrived on the field, right away I noticed a man who seemed to be the instructor.  He was wearing white pants, had a tan, and had his hair slicked back with a little poneytail.  Right away, I knew I was dealing with the tennis instructor stereotype, a type of narcissistic individual who takes himself very seriously. When I asked him his name, he answered quite sternly: "I won't tell you my name in case you're not satisfied and you want to go and complain".  I thought he was joking, but then he turned around and left!

At a certain point he explained how we should stand in order to protect "our private parts": " If you don't want your DANGER ZONE to be exposed", he said showing us with his hands the 'the zone", you need to turn your feet like this.  

I couldn't stop laughing.  This guy was not trying to be funny.  He just was.  Everytime he explained some move with a deep serious look, I wanted to take my notepad out and write down what he was saying in order not to forget so I could get a good laugh later on as well.

I don't know how much I will learn with this instructor since he seems more interested in hearing himself talk than actually teaching us how to play tennis, but I'm sure I will enjoy myself.

Oh, and I finally found out his name through another student.  His name is Georges, and by the sound of his last name, he is Greek, definitely a descendant of some Ancient Divinity!!

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DAY 216 - LIVING IN A MATERIALISTIC WORLD

Day 216

What are the symbols of success in our society? No matter how hard we try to deny it and how spiritual we aim at being, in our subconscious minds, many of us associate success to financial wealth.  Throughout our lives, we have been bombarded by images of successful people happily living in mansions and driving in expensive convertible cars.

So, although success can be defined by many standards other than money and luxury objects, the media tells us otherwise, so it is rather hard to completely get rid of those beliefs.  We live in a materialistic world and there aren't many ways of escaping it.

When I was a teenager, I rebelled against materialism, as did many of my friends.  The funny thing is, I attended a private school, and some of my rebellious friends were actually sons and daughters of diplomats.  Is it easier to renounce to materialism when you are part of the wealthier portion of society and you can already afford everything you want?

In 2007, a study conducted with three groups of children aged 8-9, 11-12 and 15-16, by Lan Nguyen Chaplin (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign) and Deborah Roedder John (University of Minnesota) showed a causal effect of low self-esteem and materialism,  The more materialistic the children were, the lower their self- esteem and vice versa.

The authors explain that in fact "by the time children reach early adolescence, and experience a decline in self-esteem, the stage is set for the use of material possessions as a coping strategy for feelings of low self-worth".  The study concluded that an increase in materialism was actually linked to a decrease in happiness.

Although that study was conducted with children, I believe that, probably to a lesser degree, it could apply to adults as well.   In people's minds, material possessions are so closely linked to success that self-worth could very well be associated to the financial ability to show the world, through material acquisitions, that you have succeeded.

If I think of the people in history I admire most, not many of them lived lavishly.   Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, the Dalai Lama truly symbolize success and yet they had very little possessions.  Maybe our society will one day transform to the point where the definition of success will no longer be determined by financial wealth.

It is a known fact that material possession do not increase overall happiness.  And it is probably when our society starts understanding that fact that more and more of us will find the way to true happiness!

DAY 215 - I SHALL REJOICE... AND NOT WORRY

Day 215

OTTAWA

So, my 9 year-old daughter left at 6:45 am this morning for a field trip to Ottawa, Canada’s Capital.  She is going to spend two nights and three days with her school friends and teachers discovering, learning, having a great time and feeling she is slowly acquiring independence.

Last night, I gave her the “SAFETY RULES” speech…but still, this morning, as the bus drove off, I felt a pinch in my heart and my eyes became watery! Nothing very rational…  more like a vague feeling of concern mixed with a realization that my little baby is no longer a baby.

As my kids are getting older, I’m realizing more and more how important it is to learn to give them space to grow, which means being able to accept and understand that not because I don't control their every move, something will go wrong.

I could very easily spend three days worrying about her, imagining unlikely scenarios, wondering how she is. But if I do that, I am giving in to an imaginary life that is harmful to my mental health and hinders my peace of mind.

The only thing I CAN control, or at least attempt to control, is my thoughts.  I CAN choose to focus on the fun and learning experience this trip represents for her.   I CAN decide to think about  how memorable it is going to be for her and how she is working on creating a library of wonderful memories.  And, if I push it a little further, I CAN even choose to rejoice at the fact that she is growing up and experiencing life outside of her family.

In the end, whatever I choose to think belongs to me and could make the difference between spending three very long and agonizing days waiting for her impatiently or spending three short and happy days, looking forward to her return, but enjoying the here and now as well!  Put that way, why would anyone choose the first option?  Oh God, if only it were that easy!!!!

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DAY 214 - ARTHUR SHOPENHAUER: HAPPINESS FOR THE PESSIMIST

Day 214

The German philosopher Arthur Shopenhauer (1788- 1860) had a very pessimistic view of the world.  He viewed it as bleak and destructive. For that reason, he thought that finding true happiness was impossible, that all we could do is avoid too much misery. 

At the end of his career, Shopenhauer wrote a book in which he gives advice on how to live a "bearable life".  In that book, he defines happiness as being the total absence of pain, frustration and dissatisfaction as well as the fulfillment of all desires, a sort of hedonistic perfection.

Our will, or our desires, cannot always be satisfied. And so, according to Shopenhauer,  we are doomed to constantly be frustrated.  And even when our desires are fulfilled, the happiness resulting from it is fleeting, evasive, temporary.  The higher the expectation, the lower the level of satisfaction, so we should aim at having the lowest expectations possible.   Furthermore, when one desire is satisfied,  it invariably leads to an increase in our desires.  And when all our desires are exhausted, ultimately, there is boredom.

Suffering is therefore unavoidable and instead of trying to find happiness, we should try to go through life with a minimum amount of suffering in order to make it as bearable as possible. (Well that guy was really cheerful, maybe a little prosac would have helped!)

Shopenhauer's point of view obviously greatly differs from the positive psychology movement that began at the end of the 90's, which identifies attitude, frame of mind and actions as being key elements in finding happiness.  All you have to do is think positive, control your mind, find purpose and you will be HAPPY!

No matter how pessimistic he sounds, Shopenhauer does point out something undeniable, the fact that pain is unavoidable and that desire leads to suffering.  The buddhist philosophy is actually based on that.  But happiness is not merely the satisfaction of desires or the accumulation of joyful moments, it is something much more complex than that.

Shopenhauer's view is interesting for its historical perspective, but also because it probably does correspond to a vision shared by a portion of society.  Not everyone can or wants to fight their pessimistic nature.  And his advice, as dark as it may seem, maybe strikes a chord in those people who are fed up of hearing that they need to become more "optimistic" and view the world in a light they just cannot bring themselves to see.

"Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour." 


Arthur Shopenhauer


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DAY 213 - "EMOTIONAL PERSPIRATION"

Day 213

So far, many people who have answered my survey on happiness in my Happiness Vox Pop Friday night column, have mentioned something that I find very interesting.  To the question : What do you do when you're feeling sad?,  Dee Dee Johnson, Serge Medawar and Kelly Wilson answered that they first acknowledged their suffering, before trying to take control of their emotions and move on.

My tendency is probably to push away any type of suffering. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is a very North American thing to do ( see Happiness: East against West).  It is also very Egyptian.  The problem is, when you brush off sadness, it builds up and, one way or another,  ends up coming out.

My friend Sara told me an interesting story.  One of her friends was suffering from heavy migraines.  She went to see an acupuncturist who first chose to treat her once a month.  After a couple of visits, he gave her an appointment for the next week.  She was quite surprised:  why did he want to see her back so quickly?  After that treatment, the girl cried for a week nonstop.  She is not an emotional person, so she was wondering what was going on with her.  She would cry at work, at home, while driving... she thought she was going through a depression.  When she went back to the acupuncturist, he told her that her migraines were caused by a build-up of emotions.  After that treatment,  she stopped having them.

I'm not suggesting you should hollow in your suffering for too long... But a good cry can really be beneficial.  New York Times reporter Benedict Carey referred to tears in an article published in 2009 as “emotional perspiration”.  And since perspiration helps get rid of toxins,  crying could serve as a kind of emotional cleansing!  

Some people cry very easily;  others never cry.   In fact, tears are not that necessary. What is important is, at least, acknowledging suffering and, confronting and dealing with your emotions instead of avoiding them!!!!  It's not easy to do.  It's much easier to just brush them aside and try to forget about them.  But I believe it to be necessary in order to attain a maximum level of mental and emotional wellbeing.

"The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep".
 Henry Maudsley

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”
Thomas Merton

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly".
 Christian Nevell Bovee


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