DAY 145
During the first years of my relationship with my husband, many moons ago, I remember having an ideal of the way a relationship ought to be, probably greatly influenced by films, literature and my greatest role models, my parents. Obviously, my husband was an independent soul with his own ideal of a relationship. (Who would have though?) In many respects, they were similar, but, in some ways, they were also a little different.
The problem with ideals involving other people is that they don't take into account the fact that, in life, you are only in control of your own actions. That the people you have a relationship with have a mind of their own and their own parameters.
I believe that in order to have fulfilling relationships, you need to accept that each of them has its limits. A single person cannot fulfill all of your needs. When you accept that, you avoid a lot of frustration and disappointment.
I was talking to my friend Sabrina about that last night. For fifteen years, she has been trying to get her husband to sit back and watch t.v. with her at night. Her husband is a doer. When he is not being efficient, he feels like he is wasting his time. Maybe in Sabrina's eyes, watching t.v. with her husband would make them connect. However, the fact that her husband would be miserable doing it proves the contrary. For him, it would be a painful effort and so he wouldn't be able to enjoy it as she does.
I have learned with time that each of my relationships is different and fulfills a part of my needs. And I know my friends and family enough to understand that. I am rarely disappointed, because I am now able to gauge my expectations and value all of my relationships for what they are and not for what I would like them to be. It's not always easy to do... but when you're able to do that, you avoid a lot of unnecessary pain.
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