DAY 185 - EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Day 185

The concept of Emotional Intelligence was developed in the 90’s.  It was first described by psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, and further studied by Daniel Goleman, in a book called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ.  Since then, studies have shown how Emotional Intelligence (the EQ) can have an impact on the level of happiness and the success of an individual.

Goleman  identifies the five following Emotional Intelligence 'domains':

Self-awareness - Knowing your emotions
Self-regulation - Managing your emotions

Motivation – Being able to motivate yourself

Empathy - Recognizing and understanding other people's emotions

Social skills – Developing and managing relationships

Emotions are part of life.  From the moment we are born, we start expressing emotions.  Later on, we learn to manage them.  Some are better at it than others; some never do! 

Emotional Intelligence can be developed by observing your emotions in order to understand them.  When you learn to take a step back from what you’re feeling instead of just being in a reactive mode, you can handle your emotions better.  As the Non-Violent Communication approach tells us, all emotions come from needs.  Identifying the need associated to the emotion will help not only control it but also express it.

In the morning, for instance, if we are running late and my kids are not hurrying up to get ready, I could become quite the basket case, speaking loud and getting impatient.  By getting mad at them, we all end up feeling bad for the whole day!!!!  All right, so I have an excuse, I am Egyptian, and as you might already know, we are unable to speak quietly, it’s in our genes!

In that situation, I’m getting upset because I feel that my need to be heard is not being respected.  If, instead of reacting, I become aware of the need, than I can express it in a more peaceful way, which in turn, will maybe have a better effect on my children than simply getting impatient with them.

This same approach can be applied to other people’s emotions.  When people are reacting towards you in an emotional way, if you really want to understand what is going on, you have to dig and try to find out what need is not being fulfilled.  Empathy will then become an essential tool and will help resolve whatever conflict or misunderstanding has occurred . 

Working on developing Emotional Intelligence requires patience.  Most of us have been following the same patterns for so long that it is very challenging to stop being emotionally reactive and take a step back to evaluate our emotional state, and the need that is not being fulfilled.  However, doing that on a regular basis can definitely have a positive impact on personal wellbeing as well as relationships.


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