Who likes to confront? I, for one, hate conflict and when I feel hurt by someone’s behaviour, I tend to avoid discussing it just so I can preserve harmony in my life. The problem is, even if the atmosphere seems peaceful, if I am suffering from inner turmoil because of the situation; I am not really at peace.
Confronting people when we are emotionally involved is probably one of the hardest things to do. It takes practise and determination.
My colleague Alicia and I were talking about our Christmas holidays. She told me that during the holidays, her father and stepmother invited her and her boyfriend over for dinner. Alicia and her boyfriend have been vegetarians for six years. Somehow, her father had forgotten about that and they prepared a chicken dish. Alicia was hurt, but she didn’t really talk to her father about how she felt. As a result, she is still feeling resentful toward him and is trying to figure out how to deal with it. It is not easy for her, since, there is a long history of similar events with her father.
Although confronting can be a difficult thing to do, in most cases, it is unavoidable, if you don’t want to tarnish your relationship. Any unresolved situation will inevitably result in anger and resentment, which in turn can deepen, sometimes irreconcilably, the gap that separated you from the other person in the first place. Although, it is not easy to confront, not doing it is worse since it really has an impact on your wellbeing and peace of mind.
I am far from being a confrontation specialist, all I can say is that there are certain behaviours and strategies that I have used in the past, when confronting, that I have found helpful:
Staying calm and avoiding any emotional response
By not losing it even when I felt my blood boiling and remaining calm, I’ve noticed that it often helped prevent the conflict from escalating.
Listening to the other
When I’ve made the other feel like I was listening to his or her point of view, it always helped soften the tone.
Accepting that I will not convince the other of my point of view
The problem is when we are confronting people, we want them to acknowledge our feelings and agree with the fact that they were wrong. Confronting is beneficial because it allows us to express how we are feeling not because we are going to convince anyone of anything.
Although it might be a hard thing to do, when someone has done something that has hurt you, it is better to confront positively than to become resentful, adopt a passive aggressive behaviour or let it take such proportions that the gap between you and someone you really care about can no longer be bridged.
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